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Shappi Khorsandi solves London's problems

By Time Out London Comedy
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Each week a different comedian solves Londoners’ issues. This week Iranian stand up and author, Shappi Khorsandi, tackles your problems head on.

Dear Shappi, Brexit has killed my boner, what should I do to feel amorous again? Brad, Covent Garden

Dear Brad, Imagine Boris Johnson laughing and skipping down a hill with daisies in his hair (have I over-shared?). I find that when rough political seas have dampened one’s ardour, lovemaking with someone who doesn’t trouble themselves with knowing anything is soothing. After the general election, I slept with someone who thought Dunkirk was in Scotland. It was like balm to my troubled soul. Basically, steer clear of the subject and find someone chilled.

Dear Shappi, My housemate won't stop trying to have in-depth conversations with me about her job interviews and indeterminable love life first thing in the morning as I'm running round the house in my pants trying to get dressed, make tea and concentrate on Charlie and Naga on BBC Breakfast. What should I do to stop this madness, so I can - at least once this year - get to work on time? Jonny, Hackney Wick

Dear Jonny, Put porn on REALLY LOUDLY all night: weird stuff where people shout, ‘We’re gonna need ANOTHER RUBBER CHICKEN!’ Make it so awkward that she won’t leave her room till you’ve gone out. Mind you, if she’s into all that stuff, you may be opening a can of worms. And if she’s into that, you move out. Immediately.

Dear Shappi, My colleague always accepts cups of tea, but never makes any in return. Should I bring it up with her? It's unacceptable. Nicole,Wandsworth

Dear Nicole, Grow a backbone and ask the lazy dingbat to make you a cup! Tell her to make me one too.One sugar, three biscuits. And why do you keep on offering if she gives nothing back? Sounds to me you have low self-esteem and I heartily recommend meditation. So next time she wants tea, sit crossed legged by her desk and imagine you are on warm sand by the sea. Take a parasol and sun cream to make the experience more authentic. When they sack you, at least you’ll be calm.

Dear Shappi, I don't want to live with my girlfriend any more, how can I ask her to move out without seeming like a dick? Courtney, Clapham

Dear Courtney, Take to crying whenever she leaves the house, declaring you cannot cope for a moment without her. Ask her if you can borrow a dirty top of hers so you can cuddle it and smell her while she’s out. Doctor pictures of William and Kate with your and her head on them, blow them up, frame them and hang them on the wall. 

Shappi Khorsandi: Work in Progress is on at Soho Theatre on July 19-23. £10.

Find out how advice compared when Gina Yashere solved London's problems

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