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Shaun Keaveny solves London's problems

By Time Out London Comedy

Each week a different comedian solves Londoners’ issues. This week, BBC Radio 6 Music host and stand-up, Shaun Keaveny, tackles your problems head on.

Dear Shaun, I accidentally swiped right on my line manager on Tinder, and we matched. Now he's giving me creepy looks. How do I resolve the awkwardness and also keep my job? Jenny, Balham

Dear Jenny, This is a tricky one. Dating apps are the devil, a sure sign of a society in moral freefall. Why not channel a little of my zealotry and pretend you are a devout Christian? Explain over a goblet of altar wine on your first date that there is no question of you ‘allowing access to your holy sanctum’ any time before your honeymoon. He’ll be off your back quicker than a suspect mole.

Dear Shaun, The sound of foxes shagging outside my bedroom window in the middle of the night is driving me mad. What do I do? Close the window and sweat to death? Shout at them? Join in? Derek, Ruislip

Dear Derek, Fox shunting is a huge problem in urban areas. The little crimson bastards get miles more action than us humans. I too have suffered at the hands (or paws) of filthy fornicating foxes. It got so bad that I took to sitting on my window ledge in full fox-hunt regalia, tooting a copper horn. That put them right off their stroke and they went and copulated in someone else’s bin shed.

Dear Shaun, My boyfriend is from Lancashire. Can I still drink Yorkshire Tea? Amy, Nunhead

Dear Amy, Funnily enough, my girlfriend is from Yorkshire. I, as a Lancastrian, have to put up with a constant stream of terse belittlements, despite the fact that WE WON THE WAR OF THE ROSES! (The highest point in Yorkshire is some 108 metres greater than that of my county, which explains why Yorkshires are constantly looking down on their neighbours across the Pennines.) As for the black stuff, if your jealous boyfriend catches you dipping your bag, remind him that all Yorkshire Tea is grown in Assam, East Africa or Sri Lanka.

Dear Shaun, My mate is getting married abroad, but I'd much rather spend the flight money on stuff that I want, like Nike trainers and MDMA. How do I tell him I'm missing his big day? Jim, Wapping

Dear Jim, Honesty is always the best policy. Unless its disclosure on an insurance policy. Explain that, as a hardworking and impoverished post-Brexit British citizen, the idea of spunking your entire annual holiday budget to go to a place you haven’t chosen, with some people you’ve never met, faking bonhomie for up to 11 hours a day while secretly wondering why you can’t make a lasting romantic connection, is about as inviting as a prostate examination. He’ll understand.

Shaun Keaveny presents the BBC Radio 6 Music Breakfast Show, Mon-Fri, 7am-10am, and presents coverage of The Mercury Prize on the BBC Red Button on Thu Sep 15, 8pm-9pm.

Find out how advice compared when Daniel Simonsen solved London's problems


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