Pints were sunk. Tequilas were slammed. Bants were bantered. Now it’s morning and you’re hungover as shit, and without a good breakfast in the next 20 minutes, there’s a very real chance you might die, or at least vom all over the bedroom carpet and lose your security deposit. But what could possibly tame the pounding in your head, the stirring in your belly, that weird thing your neck does?
Of course, in an ideal world, you’d wake up the night after a big session with all of the below laid out on a big tray, handed to you by a non-judgemental butler. But this is reality, buddy, so when you find yourself shivering and sweating in your local Nisa with only a fiver left in your bank account (tequila ain’t cheap, after all), here’s a simple lesson in prioritising. You’re welcome.
Peanut butter on toast
There’s not a person on earth who hasn’t felt ready for another big glass of wine shortly after demolishing a plate of P-B-on-T. Try it! Unless you’re allergic to nuts. In which case have something else. Not a Snickers. Something ELSE.
Bacon (smoked, streaky)
We’ve no idea who it was that discovered the fact that if you take a pig, cut its fattiest bits into little slices and chuck a load of salt at them you’ve basically got the cure for any and all booze-inflicted ailments. But if we ever meet them, we shall fall at their feet like that bit in ‘Wayne’s World’, for they have truly changed humanity for the better. It’s odd, really, because these pink slivers of fat and sodium really ought to make you feel worse, such is their total lack of nutritional worth. This blatant contradiction is just another reason why bacon is brilliant; the Florence Nightingale of pork products.
Eggs (fried, runny)
There’s actual science behind the healing powers of eggs – it’s to do with the protein, or the vitamins, or the powerful feeling that comes with knowing that you’ve just consumed 50 percent of the DNA required to make an entire chicken. A combination of all three, probably.
Had six pints of continental lager for dinner, did we? Woken up feeling like shit, have we? Get to the freezer section pronto, son, because what you need is an egg-shaped pattie of processed potato (smiley faces will do if you live somewhere shit). Key to the hangover-slaying prowess of the hash brown is its absorbency – each one is a tiny golden sponge, soaking up the toxic sludge in your belly and shoving it into your intestine, to be exorcised from your digestive tract two hours later during a divine moment of purifying bliss.
Eat one while you’re waiting for the oven to heat up. Trust us.
All the caffeine kick of the skinny one but with enough sugar and chemicals to melt a penny. The trick, for reasons we don't understand, is to drink it without any bubbles. If you haven't had the foresight to pour it the night before (if you were THAT organised, you probably wouldn't be in this mess), try sticking it in the microwave for 20 seconds to ditch the fizz. No, not while it's still in the can – that's another show entirely, dummy.
Tea (strong, one sugar, every hour until symptoms subside)
Sure, it’s got caffeine and tannins and all that stuff in, but this guy’s mainly here for emotional support – a hot steaming mugful of everyday normality to guide you through your rehabilitation into a functioning member of society. Take it easy, mind, because throwing up boiling hot tea feels even worse than you’d imagine.
It sounds counterproductive, doesn’t it – fighting agony caused by alcohol with MORE alcohol. Like waterboarding someone who’s just been dragged out of the sea. But the bloody mary bloody works, suggesting that your body is only punishing you with a hangover because you stupidly decided to stop drinking. Hey, maybe you should have a cocktail EVERY morning!
Hankering after something fancier? Check out our pick of London's best breakfasts and brunches.