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Top five London exercisers

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Nathan James Page

 

1. The lunchtimer

It's great that you're on a health kick, and we're really happy that you're enjoying that spirulina-and-vomit smoothie. But do you know what you're like to be around when you come back from your lunchtime weight sesh? Dis. Gus. Ting. Your sweat drips on to the lift floor. Your BO clings to the insides of your colleagues' nostrils like an acrid tar. And then, once you've showered back at the office, your pile of damp sweaty clothes lies festering by your desk. You think it smells like effort, like hard work, like perseverance - it doesn't, it smells like a mixture of mould, crotch and last night's curry.

2. The sponsor pest

'Hey I'm doing a sponsored 1k in aid of my local hairloss clinic! Please contribute, it really makes a difference to bald men in Bermondsey!' That's the kind of thing we get deluged with by people who've decided to make their cause into our cause. The hounding and the guilt-tripping is relentless. If we don't sponsor them, it means we want all the men in Bermondsey to stay bald for ever, or all the lions in Namibia to go without knitted jumpers for another year. But why should we have to fund the sponsor pest's five-metre skip or ten-hour bath? They should do something we can appreciate, like bring about world peace or take a lifetime vow of silence. Then we'll talk cash.

 

 

 

3. The run-discusser

Runners can't physically do the running without talking about the running. If they don't talk about it, it's like it hasn't happened. They have to tell EVERYONE. 'Bet you're wondering why I'm limping: just busted out a sweet 277k run this weekend. Yeah, ran to Holland and back, it was great. Got a real high. Nipples won't stop bleeding but it's worth it, mate.' If a runner falls over in the forest and there's no one around to tell, have they actually fallen over?

4. The fadder

Exercise is boring, so most of us just get on with it. But the fadder needs the new, needs the exciting. Every day they're doing some class that makes no sense: acoustic folk spinning, aerial weightlifting, jazzercise kickboxing, it doesn't matter how stupid it is as long as someone in Hollywood is doing it and you get to wear a sparkly outfit. The only hope is that someone comes up with suicide-cult pilates and we can be shot of the lot of them.

 

 

 

 

 

5. The yoga addict

This is going to get a lot of complaints, but it's time the truth was told: yoga is not exercise. Seriously. I'm sorry, but are you going to go up to someone who has just run a marathon and say, 'Yeah, I'm knackered too, I just stretched in a really hot room for like, an hour'? No you're not. Because yoga is not exercise. If you do yoga and that sentiment makes you really, really, really angry - maybe do some more yoga, it's meant to be very relaxing.

By Eddy Frankel, whose colleagues actually love hearing about his runs. 

Take a look at the top five worst times to be on the tube.

Illustrations: Nathan James Page

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