Summer's great, when you're hanging out with the right people. If you're mates with an 'underwear tanner' or a 'lobster' things are a little more complicated.
1. The underwear tanner
There you are, ambling pleasantly through the lush rolling grassland of Hyde Park when out of the corner of your eye you spot the most horrifying wildlife you've ever seen. 'Dear God! Is that a wild pig in a bra? A hairless wildebeest in Y-fronts?' No, David Attenborough, it's someone who thinks stripping down to their skivvies in public is acceptable. They're easily spooked, these pink-fleshed urban meerkats, but it's you who should feel truly unsettled by the sight of their undulating pink flesh out in the open, their bits covered only by M&S intimates. It's like a nature documentary mixed with a terrible porno and it'll make you wish it was winter again.
Nathan James Page
2. The sweater
You know what they say: 'If you can't stand the heat, stay out of everyone's way so that no one has to risk accidental contact with your sweat-sodden shirt as you gush perspiration on the tube like the Tivoli fountain.' The Underground is hot and disgusting enough in summer without being pressed against a stranger's leaky flesh. There are some people who should be ordered to bathe in antiperspirant before leaving the house. It's almost enough to make you wish it was winter again.
3. The sun drunk
Drinking four pints in the shade is very different to drinking four pints in the sun. Sunshine makes booze about three times more potent. So a summer's day in London is invariably accompanied with people who haven't figured out this simple equation, gone to the park and downed what would normally be a respectable amount of beer. Now they're stumbling through town wearing one flip-flop and a Topman vest covered in vomit, picking fights with Italian tourists. When they wake up, they'll wish it was winter again.
4. The lobster
Some people think that sunblock is an anti-Murdoch app. But it's actually a cream that stops you from turning the colour of roses. Remember, roses look good red, humans not so much. But that doesn't stop the pastiest of English folk from ignoring the cream and attempting to broil themselves alive the minute the sun comes out. Then they tiptoe around town, skin covered in shining globs of aloe vera, all delicate to the touch like Samuel L Jackson in 'Unbreakable', except English and bright pink. The look of regret on their faces tells an age old story: they just wish it was bloody winter again.
Nathan James Page
5. The ginger
Pity them, with their UV-proof umbrellas, ankle-length turtleneck sweaters and SPF 1,500 slathered everywhere. All the poor fragile ginger wants is for the sun to piss off so that they can go outside again. 'Coming to the pub, Carlos?' you may ask your ginger friend. 'Okay,' he answers. 'I'll just get my tarpaulin,' and you know that your day in the beer garden is ruined. However much you love summer, the poor ginger just wishes it was winter again...
By Eddy Frankel. Who is ginger.
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