Sure, tradition might dictate that one should celebrate a Royal Wedding in a certain manner: a pilgrimage to Buckingham Palace to huddle penguin-stye and wait for a glimpse of the happy couple, perhaps, or a prosecco in front of the telly, at least.
But just as princess-in-waiting Meghan Markle is ushering in a new era of royalty (an American! An actress!), then so must we also usher in a new way of toasting the big day. So this Saturday, while your Great Aunt Agnes is putting on her finery and shuffling down to Westminster, try one of these thoroughly modern ways of celebrating the nuptials of Hazza and Megs.
Buy this fake Royal Wedding cake from Iceland
Still looking under the doormat for your invite? Well, fret no longer. While you might not be going to the actual ceremony, or the reception, or meeting any of the celebs – and, honestly, is it really necessary to be wearing that massive gown in your living room in Acton? You CAN, however, have a slice of the Royal Wedding action in the form of this replica cake from Iceland. Coming in at a mere £8, the elderflower and lemon affair is a smidge of the price Harry and Meghan will have paid for theirs. So who’s the real winner, eh?
Get squiffy on this ‘Markle & Spencer’ commemorative beer
First off, someone give the person who came up with ‘Markle & Spencer’ a raise. Forget funding the Queen’s next hat, this is the stuff our taxpayer money should really be spent on. Secondly, if you accidentally drink a few too many cans of this ingenious new beverage from Crafted Cans, then you can simply blame it on patriotism. Sorry officer, I simply loved my country too much.
Take a selfie by this iffy mural at St Christopher’s Place
Nothing says ‘wedding memento’ like a picture with the happy couple. But if you can’t get up close, then why not take a snap with a painting of them? And if you can’t find a painting of actual human faces, then why not go for one with a giant mural of these dismembered hands? Watch those likes rack up.
Go for a dip in these matching Harry and Meghan swimsuits
There are ways that this could have been done well, aren’t there. A full-body scuba suit with pictures of the wedding outfits transposed on, maybe. Or rows of tasteful little Harry’n’Megs running across the hem of a delightful tankini. What might raise a few eyebrows at Brockwell Lido, however, is what we have here: an enlarged pale chin’n’stubble combo adorning the majority of your nether regions. We did warn you.
Don’t conceive the next in line with these Royal Wedding-themed condoms
If the thrill of two archaic traditions colliding in one extortionately expensive day has got you all hot under the collar, you’ll be wanting these H&M (no, not that one…) themed condoms to make sure your special day doesn’t lead to more than you bargained for. Because sensible Londoners practice safe patriotism. [Photo: @ifitshipitshere]
Have a nice lunch on these doubly useful plates
Everyone loves a good commemorative piece of crockery, and these ones from We Built This City are at the top of the pile. Not only will proceeds raise money for homeless charities in Windsor, but when you’re sick of toasting the happiness of two people you have never and will never meet, you can just turn it around and get excited about the footie.
Get married on the same day at this fully legal Wetherspoons wedding venue
It might be cutting it a bit fine to organise a full-on wedding in four days, you may think, but that’s where your good friend JD Wetherspoon comes in. See, classic Weths The Knights Templar near Fleet Street is now an official wedding venue with a genuine marriage license, offering packages including food and booze for a mere £3k all in. So if you want to make the ultimate tribute on Saturday with a double wedding (trust us, the Windsors will be stoked) then this could be your best budget-friendly option. Chin chin. [Photo: @darianovaphoto]
Want to watch the nuptials in more traditional style? Try these places.