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I remember when I started at Time Out, I had to provide a ‘fun fact’ about myself, and I decided to share that the Real Housewives canon would be my Mastermind specialist subject. So, dear reader, you can only imagine the sheer glee I felt when I found out that us Londoners were getting our own offshoot of the Bravo juggernaut. Will it have the excess and broken-wine-glass wielding drama of The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills? (Or ROBH, as us Bravoholics call it.) The false leg tossing and outlandish fashion of The Real Housewives of New York? (aka RHONY) The endless family feuding and table flipping of The Real Housewives of New Jersey? In short, no.
Within the first five minutes of The Real Housewives of London, the ladies have claimed that London is ‘paved with gold’ rather than the ciggie butts, mystery green slime and stinkpipes that we’re more used to seeing on our jaunts around the city. There’s an immediate air of opulence that’s in line with what we’re used to seeing from the franchise, along with an unwelcome sense of… snobbery? Set almost exclusively around SW1, the first episode lays the framework for glamorous getaways, larger-than-life characters and catfights over menial misunderstandings from its six cast members (Amanda Cronin, Juliet Angus, Karen Loderick-Peace, Juliet Mayhew, Panthea Parker and Nessie Welschinger).
But between all the air kisses and high society antics, this offshoot series seems to forget where it’s actually set. Here are a few, ahem, plot holes RHOL has fallen into.
1. Chelsea is the epicentre of London
Do we need another show that puts Kensington and Chelsea right in the centre of its story? Arguably not. Rather than covering the antics of overly confident semi-professional Instagram models wasting their trust funds, we’re watching middle aged women with constructed frenemy-ships gallivanting across the UK’s most exclusive postcodes. And yes, while some part of the Housewives charm is its finery, you can’t help but wish they were a little cooler. More Broadway Market, less Belgravia please.
2. London is a city of mad excess
Dogs getting facials, homes with private clinics in them, buckets of caviar at house parties. All the glitz and glam of what you want from a television show as excessive as Housewives. At one point one of the women exclaims, ‘No cost of living crisis here!’ And we can see that no, in their world there is not. But cross Hyde Park and you’ll find a city that’s very, very different. Most of us shop at Tesco, not Fortnums. Kids aren’t all ‘academics’ that go to boarding school and are named after Shakespeare characters (Grange Hill was probably more accurate than this). And you can’t really drive an open-roof car around central London unless you fancy inhaling bus fumes.
3. Everyone is descended from aristocracy
Some of the fun of Housewives has always been its subject's delusions of grandeur. Let us not forget Sonja Morgan of RHONY, whose claim to fame is that she ‘partied with John-John Kennedy and Madonna all the time.’ The cast of the London offshoot take it all a step further, claiming kinship with royals and husbands of aristocratic descent. Does it border on being uncomfortably hubristic? When the opening line is: ‘London is a city of heritage and hierarchy,’ well, yeah, it does feel a little icky.
4. The houses are filled with staff
There is something hilariously ironic about hosting an International Women’s Day party run by an army of female housekeepers all dressed in pink uniforms. And while previous Housewives franchises have a kind of hilarity to the concept of ‘staff’ (again, I’m looking at Ms Morgan with her team of unpaid ‘interns’ or Lisa Vanderpump of ROBH whose restaurant staff make a couple of great crossover appearances from Vanderpump Rules) there’s, again, something a little unsettling about the whole setup.
5. The stiff upper lip still exists
One thing I’ve always loved about Londoners is the dark sense of humour. And you’d expect some of that to come through as the Housewives franchise crosses the Atlantic. However, the women seem a little too prudish and uppity to be actually laughing at themselves in the same way that classic cast members are able to do. I’ll never forget former RHONY cast member Dorinda Medley’s iconic line: ‘'I'll tell ya how I'm doin', not well bitch!’ While the seeds of classic Housewives motifs are being sown; there’s some sort of entanglement with Juliet Mayhew and rival Panthea Parker already, with Parker ferociously claiming Mayhew ‘borrows her clothes’, I can’t help but yearn for more fun. Yes, throw shade about someone endlessly renting looks if you must, but maybe keep it to a snarky confessional clip rather than a downright public shaming. It’s really not that deep, is it?
Is there a trailer for The Real Housewives of London?
Yes, and you can watch it below.
The Real Housewives of London is available to stream on Hayu now.