We ask Londoners to look back on their funniest (mis)adventures in the city. This week: at a Soho STI clinic, comedian Tom Lucy bumped into a familiar face from his school days…
There’s no easy way of writing this: I frequently go to sexual health clinics. I visit them for check-ups, I should say – I’m not browsing or meeting friends for coffee. I also want to make it clear that I’m not a mid-2000s Russell Brand figure, gallivanting round Soho dispersing my seed as much as is physically and legally possible. Still, an old-fashioned English combination of anxiety and free time means I find myself at these clinics a fair amount.
My favourite (though I’m not entirely comfortable calling it that) is Dean Street Express in Soho. The perfect mix of accessibility and discretion, it looks more like a low-budget British film studio office than a seedy sexual infirmary. However, my last trip was memorable for all the wrong reasons.
To my horror, I bumped into someone I know in the clinic’s horrifically small waiting room. I despise bumping into people I know in Sainsbury’s, so to have it happen at an STI check-up centre was too much for me.
To make matters worse, the man I bumped into was a teacher at my old school. Not my teacher, but a teacher nonetheless. I obviously won’t name and shame, but this didn’t come as a shock: the rumours about Mr Insert-Name-Here’s out-of-school activities were rife, and now confirmed.
We sat next to each other on plastic chairs, surrounded by out-of-date lifestyle magazines, and had an appropriately awkward chat. Both of us completely refused to acknowledge where we were. Finally, a cubicle became free. He said goodbye and walked away, clutching a sample pot. Don’t you just love a school reunion?
‘Tom Lucy: Reluctant Millennial’ is at Leicester Square Theatre on Friday May 3.
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