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It used to be that whatever curveballs life threw, cheese could be relied on to get you through tough times. Break up? Brie. Got fired? Gouda. Life sucks? Stilton. But the old dependable disappointed last weekend.
On December 16 #GiantCheeseboard, a south-east London cheese festival, promised unlimited cheese, mulled wine and waiters dressed as mice. Instead it delivered long queues, fold-out tables and rapidly diminished supplies, according to many of those who attended.
Dubbed the UK’s Fyre Festival (which saw rich millennials lured to the Bahamas earlier this year on the promise of a music festival and luxury accommodation only to be housed in relief tents as it all fell apart), Giant Cheeseboard left attendees fuming – with one person saying it was ‘one of the most depressing things’ they’d seen.
#GiantCheeseboard this is one of the most depressing things I've seen pic.twitter.com/Ufs8rz3sHK
— petestravelogue (@petestravelogue) December 16, 2017
The only thing giant about this cheese board was that it was a total giant waste of time. 5 different types of cheese are you fucking kidding me, no giant camembert, ran out of bread, chorizo, crackers, grapes, cold mulled wine, 90 minute wait to get in #giantcheeseboard
— Kevin Chun (@peanutter571) December 16, 2017
What was billed as ‘a massive, oversized cheeseboard – one you can walk around on as if you’re in a giant’s kitchen’ turned out to be more like a poorly funded youth club party, with one person likening it to a ‘cheap wake’.
#GiantCheeseboard this shit is miserable @TimeOutLondon @MetroUK @StylistMagazine looks like a cheap wake, huge queues, budget food pic.twitter.com/TZdIURkR2t
— petestravelogue (@petestravelogue) December 16, 2017
At one point angry customers gathered, chanting for a refund.
Footage from the #GiantCheeseboard shambles. Refunds must be offered @studio338 @MetroUK @TimeOutLondon @London_T_S pic.twitter.com/MxeySZ186M
— Alex Roberts (@pozbydefault) December 17, 2017
Despite crushed Camembert hopes, many attendees struggled through the only way they knew how: taking the piss and posting with puns.
I can’t brielieve how awful #GiantCheeseboard was.I’m stilton fuming. I’ve mulled this over and theres good reason to wine about it. I thought it would be much feta, I expect a briefund #justiceforcheese @mailonline @standardnews @MetroUK @LondonTown @JacobsSnacks @TimeOutLondon
— IAmMadden (@IAmMadden) December 16, 2017
Just had to trade one of my children for a slab of Gouda, there are roaming bandits torturing people to give up their crackers, if there is a god in heaven he has abandoned us. Utter shambles #giantcheeseboard @studio338
— Karl "Die Fotze" Marxmas (@danny_embargo) December 17, 2017
From now on #GiantCheeseboard is my new favourite synonym for 'clusterfuck'.
— New Salted Caramel Manda (@AmarettoLatte) December 16, 2017
Q. How was your night?
A. It was a total 'Giant Cheese Board' of an evening#TheGiantCheeseBoard
The organisers of the event posted a 1,217(!)-word defence on their Facebook page, denying the allegations made against them. You can read it in full here. They insist that their next session of The Giant Cheeseboard will go ahead this Saturday (December 23), but DJs Club de Fromage, who were on the bill last weekend, have confirmed they won’t be involved and have removed themselves from the event.
Anyone who wants to get in touch with the organisers can do so on Facebook, but don’t hold your breath waiting for a reply, as many attendees have reported having their reviews and comments deleted from the page.
Want to fall back in love with fromage? Try these 11 places you have to go if you’re slutty for cheese.