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These excuses will get you out of any unwanted plan

By Joe Madden
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Sometimes people want you to join them doing stuff that’s objectively not great. Don’t get dragged down.

A festival, headlined by The Hoosiers, called J20 Presents Peterborough Rocks!

‘What weekend did you say it was on? Oh damn. I’m signed up to take some lovely old dears from my nana’s crocheting circle over to the Fragile Hope Orphanage for a puppy and bunny parade. I’ll just call them now and cancel... No? Aww. You sure?’

A hen on a ‘party pirate ship’ in Magaluf

‘Er, awkward: I’m unfortunately banned from the Balearic Islands on account of a 2016 incident in the VIP section of Space, involving me, two “Loose Women” presenters and some very regrettable giddiness. An ITV-enforced gag order precludes me from divulging any details.’

An interactive performance-art event held in a working Peckham abattoir

‘Oh noooo, didn’t get your email. Weird! They do get “stuck” sometimes, don’t they, emails? Jammed in the web mainframe servers. Saw a thing in G2 about it.’

Your new neighbour’s housewarming party

‘OMG I’d love to but I’ve got 18 stitches in my groin right now – long story – and the doc specifically warned against gyrating in a stranger’s crowded kitchen because the stitches could pop right open and then blurrrp, ka-sploosh! A real dog’s dinner. So...’

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