When will it be sunny again?

Can someone tell my good friend The Weather that whatever vibe it’s currently vibing is very antisocial? Honestly, the decision to piss it down at 30 minute interludes for what feels like the whole of May has been, quite frankly, rude and inappropriate. A real downer at a time when I could really do with some uppers. Or at least some sun.

It feels like I’ve spent the past few months having to duck for cover in beer gardens, eating alfresco dinners while getting my face pounded with hail and shivering in the park praying for the clouds to break. I’m not having any more of it. It’s totally not on. I refuse to wear my winter coat any longer.

Anyway, I got so sick of the constant rain that I decided to get in touch with the weather wizards at the Met Office and ask them when they will turn off the bad weather and when they will turn on the good stuff. Their answer?

A spokesperson told me: ‘Temperatures are likely to return to near normal later this week, maybe even locally warm in parts, with 20C or 21C possible in isolated spots in the South East and central England as well as parts of southern Scotland.’

They say it rained so much in May because higher than average pressure over Greenland has left us on the cold side of the jet stream. This has meant low pressure systems over the UK influencing our weather and bringing showers and unsettled conditions. Boo. They then added in a worryingly sinister tone: ‘There is nothing to suggest that we will see anything more than “close to” or “just above” average temperatures through June. However, this will of course feel warm compared to recent weeks.’

Fine. Not great news, really. But could this delayed start to summer mean we get a warmer autumn? ‘It’s far too far ahead to comment on any prospect of an Indian summer,’ they say. ‘We’re still in spring and just because spring has been cool doesn’t necessarily mean that summer will be prolonged.’

I’ll just go and cry in bed, then. Good stuff.

Eat your misery away at one of these burger joints. 

Or have a roast-dinner pizza. I mean, why not, eh?