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[title]It’s Sunday roast season! Hip hip hoorays all round, right? Well, vegetarians’ cries of joy are more than a little muted, and that’s not just because we’re weak from nutritional deficiencies (we take supplements, okay?). It’s because we know we’re in for another run-in with less-than-heartwarming veggie menu offerings. Way too often, the veggie option is the redheaded stepchild at the culinary party – an unloved afterthought, starved of the love its beefier siblings are marinated in.
There are plenty of exceptions, obviously: like the incredible Ethiopian, Middle Eastern and Indian restaurants that treat vegetarians like princes, or specialist meat-free joints like Mildred's, Naifs, or Bubala.
But walk into your average pub or neighbourhood Modern British restaurant and you’re highly likely to be charged sky-high prices for a back-of-the-freezer risotto or underwhelming hunk of veg. That needs to change. So we’ve made a definitive ranking of the options that London’s vegetarians most dread, based on a highly involved research process: a Twitter poll of 200 people, and a targeted focus group of eight seasoned meat-dodgers. Here’s what they reckoned.
7. Celeriac steak
‘Where’s the protein? Where’s the texture? And that’s before you even consider its evil, fetid taste. Yotam Ottolenghi has a lot to answer for.’ Rosie is disgusted by the way celeriac (‘the nobbly little bastard’) has cornered the more luxe end of the vegetarian market, and she’s not alone. Only its relative obscurity can explain why it’s not more widely hated.
6. Butternut squash risotto
‘Spare us from the ubiquitous butternut squash risotto,’ says Emily. ‘It’s about as glamorous as a 1980s veggie lasagne. Arrghh.’ If you slow-roast the squash, top it with crispy sage, and coat it in a thick snow of vegetarian parmesan, it’s just about palatable. But most places don’t go to the trouble. Golden, but certainly not delicious.
5. Portobello mushroom
‘The portobello mushroom: don’t even get me started. I’m sure we’ve all hyped ourselves up before going out for a roast with ~ carnivore ~ friends, only for it to arrive with a slimy, slug-like, circle of shit staring back at you. Meat substitute my arse.’ You tell ’em, Chiara! Portobello mushrooms need to be stopped: the violent fightback starts here.
4. Goat’s cheese tart
If there’s a dairy-based vegetarian option, you can count on it being goat’s cheese, usually in tart form. Some people are into it. But a sizeable minority of vegetarians aren’t happy. ‘Who even really likes goat’s cheese that much anyway?’ says Ellie. ‘Not enough to have your whole meal centred around it. And then the tart is usually bland. It’s so anticlimatic. You have to order loads of chips to compensate.’
3. Mushroom risotto
‘Bland, a little bit slimy and seemingly undefeatable: no, I’m not talking about that guy who corners you and your mates at the pub to talk about his podcast – I’m talking about the most disappointing of vegetarian options at the pub, mushroom risotto. I’m not opposed to a ’sotto at a good Italian restaurant – but sadly, most pubs just can’t get it right. Order it out of desperation and you’ve got two choices: endure a few sad mouthfuls, or cover the grey rice mound with parmesan, salt and chilli and feel it sit like a rock in your stomach for hours to come.’ It’s fair to say that Phil had some negative feelings about mushroom risotto, and he wasn't the only one: trudging your way through an interminable plate of umami-scented mush isn’t the one.
2. Beetroot wellington
‘A beetroot wellington is an example of using something just because it vaguely looks like meat, regardless of the taste. Like the God-forsaken ‘watermelon tuna’. Yes, beetroot is pink, and round, but that doesn’t mean you want to chew on a huge, earthy slice of it like you would a hunk of beef.’ As Ella points out, beetroot’s soil-like flavour profile doesn’t make you want to eat a whole unadulterated plate of it, even if it’s encased in delicious pastry. Plus, the juice gets everywhere: exactly the kind of bloody mess we went veggie to avoid.
1. Cauliflower steak
Annnnnnnnnd… Here she is, the arch-villainess of veggie options, the White Walker who strikes fear into the heart of non-meaters everywhere. Why the cauliflower hate? Two reasons. Firstly, it feels like a bit of a scam to cut a lump off a cauliflower and charge the same price as an actual chunk of meat, and the name only highlights that. ‘I hate how people call vegetables “steaks” or “wings”’ says Julia. ‘Why can’t they have their own vegetarian names?’ And second, cauliflower itself has NO FLAVOUR. ‘They’re limp, watery and tasteless; even roasting them within an inch of their sad little lives won’t save them,’ says Georgia. Ottolenghi smothers its cauliflower steak in tahini and garlic. Most pubs limit themselves to salt, pepper and a lick of meat-free gravy if you’re lucky. It’s ugly, it’s lazy, and we won’t stand for it anymore!
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