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Children in Need 2013

Fri Nov 15, 7.30-10pm & 10.35pm-2am BBC1; 10-10.35pm BBC2

Wogan. Daly. Pudsey. Yes, it’s that time again, as the BBC plays host to another telethon whose content is as diabolical as the cause is laudable. It’s the usual dismally predictable combination of song, dance, comedy and general celebrity good sportery that really only a list can adequately summarise. So, here goes.

Extracts from ‘Matilda’, hits from JLS and a ‘Doctor Who’ teaser from 7.30pm. Torvill v Dean in a ‘Strictly’ face-off (8pm). One Direction, Gary Barlow and Frank Skinner from 8.30pm. Hoofing from Albert Square and the ‘Call the Midwife’ team, from 9pm, plus Harry Hill reinventing a 1980s pop classic. More music (including Tinie Tempah and more One Direction) from 10pm on BBC2.

Catherine Tate on ‘Holby City’ from 10.35pm back on BBC1. Busted, McFly and ‘What Does the Fox Say?’ from 11pm. ‘Spamalot’, Dido and J-bloody-LS v McFly from 11.30pm. But don’t go to sleep at midnight! Otherwise you risk missing Wet Wet Wet singing You Know What, the cast of ‘The Commitments’ and ‘a comedy lip-sync duel’ between Russell Kane and Greg James.

A suitably bathetic note on which to end proceedings, you might think. And you’d be right. Our advice, as ever, remains the same. Head to the CIN website, give generously, then go to the pub.