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Dear New Yorkers old and new: We have something important to talk about, and it’s a city epidemic known as sidewalk hogging. All of you folks should make an appointment with your primary-care physician as soon as possible to see if you’ve caught this highly contagious bug.
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There is no greater horror than the moment I see a family of seven, stretched across the sidewalk, walking (more like shuffling) slowly to “soak in the city” while taking pictures and getting closer by the second. I don’t have long to decide my battle plan: Do I huff and puff and power walk around them into the street and risk being potential roadkill? Or do I suck it up and fall in line behind them for what will seem like the next half hour (10 seconds) and regret my entire existence? No matter what I do, I’m going to come off as a stereotypical rude New Yorker, and more importantly, I’m too cute to endure this much stress. Also let it be known that if you make a comment about how "rude" I am because I’m out here performing a Mission Impossible–worthy stunt to avoid crashing with your clan, you’re going to catch these hands. (Okay, fine, I’m lying—I’m just going to tweet about it later.)
Open space on NYC sidewalks, like in real estate, is scarce, so here’s what you need to do: Keep. To. The. Right.
Also, please, for the love of everything, do not abruptly stop. I don’t care if you dropped your food, if you’re yelling at your partner, or if you want to pet someone’s dog (actually, I’m okay with that), etc. Step off to the side where you’re not impeding traffic, and get your life together.
It’s really not that hard, right? Just go with the flow of the sea of people who are trying to get from point A to point B, and we won’t have any problems, capisce?