The year from hell is over! Rejoice, one and all, as 2017 has officially left the building! It’s a new year, and we’re feeling positively clairvoyant. Here's our predictions for the new year in New York City that are totally, without a doubt going to happen. Buckle up, baby.
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1. As hurricane season approaches, clever realtors sell properties in Red Hook and Gowanus by touting access to a “Splash Zone.”
2. The hottest app is Hinder, which lets you remove bros drinking at Turtle Bay or the 13th Step from your friend’s Tinder queue.
3. The latest dessert mash-up is raw Cronut batter in a rosé-infused Pinkberry frozen yogurt. Fans call it Cro-DŌ-Ro-Fro-Yo. It is the first Instagram-only treat, in that it may be photographed but not eaten.
4. New Yorkers are dumbstruck to learn their favorite snack can be made at home with avocados and (gasp!) bread. Avocado toast is then replaced by an unbelievable new trend: fruit salad.
5. Desperate for a jukebox musical hit like Beautiful or Springsteen on Broadway but completely out of legends, producers back All Star: The Smash Mouth Smash-ical.
6. Self-driving cabs take over Manhattan and immediately go on strike, because even computers resent backseat drivers with smartphones.
7. Locavore farm-to-table dining goes to the next level at Trough, where diners eat whole grains from a giant communal gutter. Farmers pat patrons on the nose, ensuring them that they are good boys and girls.
8. Designers, inspired by the collapse of a great democracy, sell togas at Barneys.