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Singlish jokes fit for the kid in you

These classics will put a smile on your face

Photo: Moriza


Guy: Can I have a coke can?

Drinks stall lady: Can cannot but bottle can.


One day, Mee Kia borrowed money from Char Siew Bao, promising to pay him back in two weeks. But when the day came, there was no sign of Mee Kia. So Char Siew Bao rounded up Ling Yong Bao and Tau Sar Bao to find the noodle and hantam him jialat-jialat.

On the hunt, they saw Maggi Goreng strolling across the road. ‘Brothers, whack him!’ Char Siew Bao commanded. And as the three Baos gave it to him one kind, Char Siew Bao shouted, ‘Eh Mee Kia! Just because you perm your hair, don’t think we cannot recognise you, okay?!’


Why didn’t the mantou shed a single tear when his mother died? Because he has no filling.


After their date, Ah Beng and Ah Lian walked to the bus stop. She saw her bus arriving and dashed to catch it, leaving Ah Beng behind. As the bus doors opened, Ah Lian looked back to see Ah Beng desperately miming a steering wheel – he’ll drive her home instead. Ah Lian responded by repeatedly pointing to her boobs and then at her head. The bus sped off.

Later that night, Ah Beng angrily called Ah Lian for an explanation: ‘Why you never wait?!’

To which she replied, ‘Huh, where got? I already told you “neh-mind, neh-mind” what!’


What sound does a makcik make when she falls down the stairs? ‘Tu-dong!’


Why did the palm tree get struck by lightning? Because it suay.


A local billionaire wanted to reward three of his best employees: Chin Leong, Raju and Ahmad. He gave them each a private island to live on and asked them to make one wish, which he will fulfil. The catch? The three men were not allowed to leave their islands for 20 years.

Chin Leong wished for 20 FHM models to keep him company, Raju for 20 crates of Guinness, and Ahmad for 20 cartons of Marlboro Reds.

After two decades, the billionaire visited each of them. He found Chin Leong arguing with the ladies and Raju lost in a stupor under a coconut tree. Disappointed, he set foot on the final isle and immediately saw Ahmad running up to him.

‘Brudder!’ Ahmad shouted. ‘Got lighter, not?’


Why did Ah Beng force 18 of his friends to watch a movie with him? Because the ad said below 18 not allowed to go in.


Maggi Goreng was pissed after getting beaten up. Royally pissed. So pissed that he went back to his Noodle Clan to gather his brothers.

‘Mee Kia!’ he called. ‘The Bao family are asking for it – I want revenge! Let’s go whack them!’

So Maggi Goreng and Mee Kia went out to find the Baos – any Bao. They saw Small Bao eating at a kopitiam, so they dragged him back to their headquarters, where they gagged him and bound him to a chair.

‘Ah, Small Bao,’ smiled Maggi Goreng. ‘Now you will pay for what your brothers did to me.’

Maggi flashed a pocket knife and, just as he was about to torture our poor pastry, Char Kway Teow, the noodle boss, burst into the room. ‘Wait!’ he yelled. ‘Don’t touch him! That one is our undercover agent, Yin Si Juan!’


Ah Beng: Doctor, both my ears are red and really painful.

Doctor: What happened?

Ah Beng: I was ironing my shirt, then the phone rang. But I accidentally picked up the iron instead of my handphone. Then kena, lah!

Doctor: Then what about the other ear?! Why is it red?

Ah Beng: The stupid fella call back, lah!