Each week a different comedian addresses Londoners’ issues. This week, actor and comedian Joel Dommett tackles your problems head on.
Dear Joel: 'I recently moved to Clapham and now I'm embarrassed to tell people where I live. How do I get over my shame?' Martin, near Brixton
Dear Martin: 'You live in Zone 2 in one of the most expensive and beautiful cities in the world. People would give their left dick to be able to afford to live in Clapham so don’t be embarrassed, you silly man. Unless you meant to write Croydon, not Clapham. In which case be very embarrassed, tell nobody and pretend you live in Clapham.'
Dear Joel: 'I have a crush on a girl I work with. Are workplace romances ever a good idea?' Adam, Soho
Dear Adam: 'As they say, Adam, ‘admin makes the heart grow fonder’. The workplace romance is hard to avoid. For ease, I’m assuming you work in an office and not as a forklift driver or a pro-wrestler. I recommend giving her 24 percent of your salary. This is the gender pay gap percentage in the UK and it will show her that you think women should be paid equally and not discriminated against in the workplace. This is a step most men would not be prepared to take and will put you in her good books. Or just wait until the office party like everyone else in the world does.'
Dear Joel: 'My ex broke my heart and now I am an emotional vacuum. Please help.' Dan, Finchley
Dear Dan: 'I’m sorry to hear that. It’s horrid to think she is probably at work right now, flirting with men who are giving her 24 percent of their salaries. I suggest moving on as quickly as possible. It’s better that you are alone than in a relationship with someone who didn’t want to be with you. I would suggest getting fitter than you have ever been and posting pictures of it on Instagram, the ultimate home of revenge.'
Dear Joel: 'I'm nervous of cycling in London - what with the deaths and everything. How can I conquer my fear?' Penny, Dalston
Dear Penny: 'It’s sad that the constant squashing of Lycra-laden commuters makes you fear the wonderful freedom of cycling. Refuse to let it harm your travel options. (Never stop riding a bike, you WILL forget how to do it. Don’t listen to the stupid famous phrase.) I recommend getting more used to the inevitable reality of death. It will happen at some point, so it might as well be on a bike with your arms outstretched like Meg Ryan at the end of ‘City of Angels’ (the saddest film of all time).'
Joel Dommett is at the Udderbelly on May 26. From £15.