Londoners look back on their funniest (mis)adventures in the city. This week: at Guy’s Hospital in Southwark, comedy double act Katie Norris and Sinead Parker had an unusual bonding experience…
We’ve all heard the old proverb ‘The comedy duo that smear together have no fear together.’ This time, however, Katie’s smear test results had come back fine and mine were abnormal.
As friends and comedy partners, we have absolutely no boundaries: we often share a bed, a bath and, sadly, a birthday. So it made perfect sense for Katie to come along to my colposcopy at Guy’s Hospital for moral support and hilarity – if your idea of hilarity means having your legs spread in stirrups as five strangers, including a silent male trainee, stare at your vagina as it’s projected on to a large HD screen.
One of life’s reassuring constants is that a humiliating situation can always be made worse if you’re an actor, because there’s always someone who will ask, ‘Have I seen you in anything?’ On this occasion things were simpler as I was able to point at the screen and respond: ‘Just this.’
Colposcopies are embarrassing, uncomfortable and scary. It was lucky that Katie was there to hold my hand, make me laugh, look lovingly at my vagina and say, ‘You have a fabulous c**t.’ Though this did prompt the nurse to ask, ‘Are you a couple?’ At this point I wondered: Do Ant and Dec ever have these problems?
For me, having to stare at Sinead’s vagina projected on to a large HD screen while she crushed my hand was obviously something of a traumatic experience. Luckily, Guy’s Hospital is opposite The Shard, and knowing there would be a better view from one if its swanky bars, I took us up after Sinead’s appointment for a bottle of their cheapest wine.
One glass of picpoul in and we were at the ‘I love you, you’re my best friend’ stage.
One bottle down and it was wedding talk: ‘Look, I don’t think I’m going to have bridesmaids, but you can definitely be there.’
Three bottles down and we’d insulted our most recent birthday presents to each other, admitted we hated each other’s boyfriend and both repeatedly shouted ‘YOU EXPECT TOO MUCH FROM ME!’ before storming out of The Shard.
At this point I wondered: Do Ant and Dec ever have these problems?
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