No matter where you might live, the playground is a microcosm reminiscent of high school, with a cast of characters you’d just as likely find clustered around any set of lockers—save minding their mini mes instead of making out beneath the bleachers. Each type of parent operates within the confines of their own social style and strata, but New York City parents have cultivated a few unique affectations that are theirs and theirs alone. Next time your kids cruise the park for some play action, take a peek around and see who you might spot on the neighboring bench. Or, you might just see yourself in any or all of these peeps!
The Hawk
Perched on a centrally located park bench to survey their young, The Hawk is at the ready to swoop in to mend any bruise or scrape at any second. They’re your best bet to hit up for a damage control squirt of hand sanitizer, as they’re equipped with the contents of a doctor’s bag in the storage bucket of their stroller. Should another child get aggressive with their young, by say cutting them in the swing line or pushing them off a teeter totter, The Hawk is prepared to snatch them up and return them to the nest in seconds.
The Oblivious Parent
The polar opposite of The Hawk, ask Oblivious where their child might be playing at any given time and you’re sure to be met with a smile and a shrug. Impervious to rules or even suggestions, personal freedom is their credo—especially their own, which in NYC most often results in an accidental Darwinist sort of outcome. Devoid of common sense when it comes to age-appropriate activities, Oblivious is the parent who hoists up a kid who can barely walk up to the parallel bars, expecting them to figure it out without landing on their head, or is so immersed in the latest episode of “Serial,” they somehow missed junior snacking on a broken balloon they found on the ground.
The PC Parent
That “co-exist” bumper sticker is this parent’s playground MO. Intent on instilling their children with the kind of social savvy it took them 30-odd years to achieve, they regard conflict as an eight-letter word that may as well have four letters. Peacemakers preoccupied with mediating each slide line showdown, they’re never short of reminders to “share” in the interest of “cultivating a community.” They also take great pride in being helpful, thus deeming them by far your best bet to hit up for wipes.
The Posh Princess
Posh turns up for play in only the very chicest attire, boldly donning deliberately casual, yet costly designer duds in such close proximity of the sandbox, it’s as if to say, ‘It’s fine—I have a whole closet full!’ You’ve likely already given her an eyeful, as she’s sized up your socio-economic status (via your handbag) to glean if you’re “relatable” before setting an immaculately pedicured foot in your vicinity. Consider yourself in if you get a hello. After all, time is money!
The Social Climber
Nothing gets past SCs, as they view the playground as they once did business conferences, avidly working bench inhabitants and pushers-of-swings to fortify their social calendars or locally-sourced businesses. The greatest go-to for the playground goss, they form alliances and broker relationships on the regular, befriending friends for more friends, never missing a school meeting or function for fear they’ll be out of the loop.
The Tree Hugger
Donning only the most fluid attire (toe ring, optional) these folks are hyperaware that any swing-set conflict might call for an impromptu talking circle or downward dog. Voted most likely to breastfeed without a shroud, the very-grounded Tree Hugger female will often be flanked by seekers intent on mining her for sound spiritual parenting advice, free of additives, preservatives, and BPA. Fluid in stature and sexuality, the male version is unafraid to bare his toes and his soul to anyone who asks, “Feel the Bern” tattoo notwithstanding. Namaste.
The Alpha
Determined to relive their peak years vicariously through their children, Alphas use lots and lots of sugar to bait and play others in order to engineer their (and their child’s) social status into prime popularity. Holding court among devout followers on the playground and at PTA meetings with equal aplomb, they have a tendency to post incessant pix of their children on Facebook, and #humblebrag about their accomplishments to create a buzz about their Instagrammably fabulous lives. Think Tracey Flick from Election, but a little less thirsty.
The Careerist
Honestly, Careerists could give a flying fig who you are or what you’re doing at the park. A multi-tasking miracle worker, they’re either attempting to conduct a conference call from the confines of their park bench, are fully immersed in their phone, or in playing with their kid because professional obligations often keep them from doing so. Try as you might to engage they might bore of small talk, as their primary interests are alternately their phone and the small person (or persons) they have in tow.
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