31 things you’ll never hear a NY parent say

New York parents say a lot of funny things, but we can bet you’ll never hear them say any of these phrases.

Photograph: OscarUrdaneta

1. "Let's go for a family swim in the Hudson!"

2. "It's not really necessary to register for kindergarten ahead of time...I'm sure there will be plenty of spots."

3. "This pregnancy is making me crave Chicago deep dish pizza."

4. "I really hope nobody offers to help me carry my stroller up these subway steps. I look forward to the extra biceps workout every day."

5. "Don't forget to put your mouth all over the poles on the train, honey. It will really kick your immune system into shape." 

6. "Nope. That's definitely not poop."

7. "I love all the mothers in my moms' group. I feel absolutely no competition with them and their kids' progress."

8. "You know what would be awesome? If while my screaming toddler wails in my face, the smug table to my right could just roll their eyes at me. I love that."

9. "Family bathrooms and changing tables are so accessible here!"

10. "You know what I don't miss when I have to take my two babies out for the day? My car. Not even a little bit. Nope."

11. "Agreed 100%. That dark alley looks like an awesome place for hide and seek."

12. "I hope those construction jackhammers across the street really start roaring right as my baby falls asleep for her nap today."

13. "I got this crib mattress on the curb. Seems legit."

14. "Go play in the backyard."

15. "We need to cut down on costs. Why don't the four of us go out to see The Lion King?"

16. "Nah, I don't really have an opinion on breastfeeding in public."

17. "Having to use my bathroom as a nursery is exactly how I'd always pictured my life as a parent."

18. "I still don't get what all the fuss is about with that "Common Core" thing."

19. "Kid-friendly bars? What an atrocity."

20. "I love how easy it is to make a doctor's appointment in this town!"

21. "We're getting drive-through."

22. "Sure, you're a big kid now. Seven is definitely old enough to travel across town alone. Here, take my Metrocard."

23. "Let's find a restaurant in Times Square for dinner tonight, just for kicks! You can even meet Elmo."

24. "If I could ask for one thing, it would be another ice cream truck outside my kid's primary school."

25. "Sweetie, will you go knock on our neighbor's door to see if he has a cup of sugar? I'm sure he'd be happy to help."

26. "The scalding radiators and poles in my pre-war apartment were never an issue for my kids."

27. "There's nothing I love more than my mother-in-law sending gigantic toys for the baby. Good thing we have plenty of room!"

28. "The marijuana smoke from apartment 2B gives my kid's bedroom a nice earthy smell. Why would I call the super?"

29. "No, you may not order Seamless."

30. "Waiting in line for the Toys "R" Us Ferris wheel is really relaxing. It gives me time to think about my passion projects."

31. "I slept in this weekend. The kids played quietly in their room all morning!"


Ben E

YOU DON'T HAVE TO TAKE YOUR CRYBABY OUT TO DINNER!!! IT'S CALLED A BABYSITTER! go to a cheaper place, or use Groupon, and pay the effing babysitter! problem solved, and EVERYONE, INCLUDING YOU, gets a relaxing dinner...