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[title]1. You feel like every single thing your child does is being noted by the other moms and written down in their special “reasons why everyone else’s kids suck” journals.
2. You are totally convinced you know the best shortcut across the park to the Botanic Garden.
3. You have a crush on your kid's 23-year-old folk-music teacher.
4. You now consider the steps at the Seventh Avenue subway stop to be your own personal nemesis, and you have vivid nightmares about them at least once a week.
5. Your child already has opinions on what the best Pavement album is.
6. You have occasionally “dropped your iPhone in the toilet” just to get out of a conversation about whatever parent activist group is being organized this week.
7. You think it should be legal to punch your single, nonparent friends in the face any time they try to give you life advice.
8. You’ve been to Prospect Park Zoo so many times, you know each of the animals by name.
9. …and you actually have a beef with one of the sea lions.
10. Your priorities for your child are education, health and culture. Your partner’s is making sure they know Third Eye Blind’s entire back catalog.
11. You occasionally look up from stacking bread at the food co-op at 5am and think, What am I doing with my life?
12. If you have to go to one more wacky, themed kid’s birthday party, you will throw yourself off a building.
13. Your child is in a Twitter feud with Blue Ivy.
14. You have a list of drastic solutions to the alternate-side-of-the-street parking problem.
15. Thanks to the combination of having a baby but no in-unit laundry, you only have one clean outfit at any given time.
16. You think it’s normal to ask the guy heating up your slice whether it’s made with fair-trade, gluten-free, low-carb whole-wheat flour.
17. Every time you try to find a bigger apartment for your family, another little piece of you dies.
18. You don’t remember the last time you saw a movie that wasn’t at the Pavilion, surrounded by 10,000 annoying children.
19. Your child laughs at Frasier.
20. You don’t remember the last time another parent gave you something to eat that wasn’t kale.
21. Your arguments with your partner are always based around maturity, respect and equality. Always.
