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Illustration: Marina Esmeralda

Let Us Sex-plain: How can I nicely ask people to leave after sex?

Your personal wingwoman, Jillian Anthony, answers all your questions about dating and doing it in New York

Written by
Jillian Anthony

I get it—being single in the city can be tough, and the ways New Yorkers are having sex these days can be surprising. But whatever your dating conundrum might be, I'm here to help. Consider me (Jillian Anthony, Time Out New York's Editor) your personal wingwoman, guiding you through dating and doing it in New York in our weekly "Let Us Sex-plain" column. Check out my answers to all your questions online and in the magazine every Wednesday, and submit your own coitus queries below!

I’m currently enjoying being a power bottom, but I do consider myself versatile. I just feel like I’ll never have the confidence to wrap my head around being an active top. Is it the guys I am meeting? What do I need to work on to feel like I can kill it in both positions?

—Daniel, Crown Heights

I’d say fake it till you make it, but I’m not a gay man. So here’s some better advice: “I don’t think it’s helpful to think there are two different mind-sets when it comes to topping and bottoming,” my friend Louie tells me. “Being a power bottom is a lot of work! That takes confidence, so give yourself some credit. And when someone comes along and wants you to top them, it’ll happen!” Another pal, Theo, says, “Different guys make you feel different things. All you have to remember is to be honest in the moment. If you want to switch things up, that will most likely be a welcome change. #verseAF” And yet another friend, Win, says, “Just look for a bottom, get consent, then top.” Okay, then! It sounds as if faking it till you make it is sound advice after all. And don’t let fear of looking inexperienced hold you back from new kinds of fun.

After sex, how do you politely ask people to leave? I don’t want my hookups to stay over but always feel so bad about asking.

—Jamie, Flatbush, Brooklyn

Once after a hookup, the guy asked to stay over and I let him, even though I really didn’t want him to. So instead of standing up for myself, I seethed in bed for a couple of hours before finally falling asleep, then never saw him again. So, don’t let that be you! Your home is your space, and you have the right to politely say to anyone you choose, “I’ve had a great time tonight, but I need to get to sleep. Can I walk you out?” This will be awkward! But worth it for your solitude. You can offer to call them a car if you’d really like to soften the blow. On the other hand, always remember your hookup is a person with feelings, and if the circumstances are right, it would be a nice show of humanity to let them stay. Maybe you’ll even have some good conversation, or better yet, morning sex.

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