I get it—being single in the city can be tough, and the ways New Yorkers are having sex these days can be surprising. But whatever your dating conundrum might be, I’m here to help. Consider me (Jillian Anthony, Time Out New York’s Senior Things to Do editor) your personal wingwoman, guiding you through dating and doing it in New York in our weekly “Let Us Sex-plain” column. Check out my answers to all your questions online and in the magazine every Wednesday, and submit your own coitus queries below!
I love my partner, but he cannot talk about sex. Even when he initiates sex, it’s either like a joke, or he’ll insist on cuddling until I get the hint. I’ve talked to him about having an open relationship (he was fine with me doing it but not interested for himself), but it makes me feel like I’m outsourcing my sexual needs. We eventually want to get married and have kids, but this is becoming a huge hurdle. What to do?
If your partner’s sexual issues aren’t new, they’re likely pretty deep-seated. Don’t wait any longer to seriously confront this. Seeing a sexual therapist or a couples therapist sounds like a good option for you, as having a third, neutral party in the room might help him open up. There is something going on here, even if it’s only as benign as having a low libido. If things don’t improve, and you know you only want to have sex within the confines of your committed relationship, I’d give things serious thought before moving forward with any permanent plans. Unless you guys can work through this, you’ll only be unhappier later on.
The day I was supposed to meet a Tinder match, he said a project he was working on had been extended, and he couldn’t meet up. Then I had to leave the city for a few months, but I’m heading back soon. Would it be socially acceptable or weird if I were to message him about meeting up after all this time?
—Mari, Park Slope
If you’re still single and he’s still single, why not? There are far too many made-up “rules” about contacting potential dates. Just go for it! The worst thing he can do is say he’s no longer interested or ignore you. On the flip side, you’ve been thinking about him all this time, and maybe, just maybe, he’s been thinking of you! He could still be your guy. Let’s give hope a chance in 2017!
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