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Let Us Sex-plain: My date got herself off without me

Your personal wingwoman, Jillian Anthony, answers all your questions about dating and doing it in New York

By Jillian Anthony
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I get it—being single in the city can be tough, and the ways New Yorkers are having sex these days can be surprising. But whatever your dating conundrum might be, I'm here to help. Consider me (Jillian Anthony, Time Out New York's Editor) your personal wingwoman, guiding you through dating and doing it in New York in our weekly "Let Us Sex-plain" column. Check out my answers to all your questions online and in the magazine every Wednesday, and submit your own coitus queries below!

I went out with this girl a few times, and we seemed to hit it off. One evening she said I could stay over but added that she wanted to wait to get intimate, to which I agreed. After she cooked for us, we got in bed, and she started fooling around with herself without letting me join in at all. I just watched, a little perplexed. The next day, when I expressed my confusion, she got really defensive and decided she didn’t want to see me again. What did I do wrong?

—Lenny, Prospect Park

Lenny, who knows?! I understand your confusion here. It’s certainly strange to enter into a sexual situation with a date, then not ask or allow that person to participate in any way. My guess is this was the level at which she felt comfortable, or perhaps going it alone while you watch gets her off—and that’s fine—but it’s also completely fine for you to ask, “Hey, what the hell was that?” You might have embarrassed her when you called her out, but that’s her issue. If you want to reach out once more and explain that you had a great time with her and were genuinely puzzled and want to talk it out, she may have a kinder response. But in the end, people and sex are weird, and she may not be willing to get into it with you (in or out of bed).

My husband recently had major surgery, and we can’t have sex for six to eight weeks. While he is recovering, he is staying in a room by himself, so I am missing out on a lot of intimacy and sex, and it’s causing tension between us. Is there any way we can still be intimate while he is immobile? It seems as if he has no interest in sex now, and I still have needs.

—Laroci, Gramercy

I’m sure this is a hard thing for the two of you, but let’s be clear: It’s harder for him. You may have needs, but his needs have to come first right now. Until you can have sex again in two months (which, come on, is not that long), do your best to keep your complaints to yourself. I don’t know the nature of his recovery, but you can certainly try alternative forms of sex—maybe bringing in a toy that wouldn’t require much exertion for either party—if your husband is willing and able. If you crave nonsexual intimacy, spend quality time in his room talking or holding hands as often as you can. But if you want an orgasm that badly, pleasure your damn self and be patient!

How does a Southern gentleman adjust his game to the fast-paced, guarded Big City dating pool? I’m Gen X, so dating apps are not my thing.

—J, Hoboken

My advice? Don’t! I think if you stay off the apps, meet people in the real world and approach dating with authentic, positive intent, the singles of New York will likely be delighted by someone coming from a different school of courtship. Stay true to who you are—and be careful out there.

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Read previous weeks’ sex columns

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Photograph: Shutterstock

Let us sex-plain

Sex and dating

Your personal wingwoman, Jillian Anthony, answers all your questions about dating and doing it in New York. Read them all here.

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