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I get it—being single in the city can be tough, and the ways New Yorkers are having sex these days can be surprising. But whatever your dating conundrum might be, I'm here to help. Consider me (Jillian Anthony, Time Out New York's Editor) your personal wingwoman, guiding you through dating and doing it in New York in our weekly "Let Us Sex-plain" column. Check out my answers to all your questions online and in the magazine every Wednesday, and submit your own coitus queries below!
I met a guy at a wedding, and since then we’ve gone on a few dates. He recently went on a trip, and I saw on his friend’s Snapchat that he was talking with and maybe flirting with another woman. I know we never had an “exclusive” talk, but seeing that really bothers me! Should I ask if he is sleeping with other girls?
Jane, you need to sit down. This man isn’t committed to you, and he’s done nothing wrong. And how exactly did you see him “flirting” with someone in a 10-second video where everyone probably had digital dog-ears on? If you’d like to talk to him about your relationship status, feel free, but you need to check your expectations and jealousy and enter that conversation from a place of genuine openness.
Is it normal to want to kiss and cuddle your boyfriend all the time but not want to have sex with him? At what point in the relationship is that normal?
—Fran, Murray Hill
Normal doesn’t really exist when it comes to sex lives and relationships, especially because both will continually change over time, so stop comparing your relationship to others’. It’s very natural for your sex drive toward your significant other to cool down after some time. There’s really only an issue if 1. He’s feeling hurt by what he perceives is a lack of intimacy or 2. You don’t want to have sex with him at all. If that’s happening, you guys need to sit down and have a serious conversation about your sex life and what you both like and need. Good sex doesn’t just happen; this ain’t an adult-themed Disney movie.
When I got serious with my girlfriend, I told her that I needed a commitment from her that if either of us had sex with someone else, we would tell each other, and she agreed. From then on, we didn’t use protection. She admitted to me recently that she had sex with someone else twice—six months after the fact. I broke up with her because I felt I couldn’t trust her. She says she’s sorry, wants to get back together and will never breach our trust again. What should I do?
You made the right choice, and you should stick to it. She cheated on you, broke your agreement and took away your sexual consent by continuing to have sex with you without protection after she’d slept with someone else. I can’t say whether she’ll cheat again, and if you really see a future with this person, it’s up to you to give her another chance—no one’s perfect, of course. But if I were you, I’d cut this one loose and search for a partner who fully respects me—someone I won’t be permanently second-guessing.