Let Us Sex-plain: My boyfriend and I have totally opposite schedules

Your personal wingwoman, Jillian Anthony, answers all your questions about dating and doing it in New York

Illustration: Assa Ariyoshi

I get it—being single in the city can be tough, and the ways New Yorkers are having sex these days can be surprising. But whatever your dating conundrum might be, I'm here to help. Consider me (Jillian Anthony, Time Out New York’s Editor) your personal wingwoman, guiding you through dating and doing it in New York in our weekly "Let Us Sex-plain" column. Check out my answers to all your questions online and in the magazine every Wednesday, and submit your own coitus queries below!

I’ve been with my boyfriend for four months, and he’s great, but his work schedule sucks. He works nights, so when he’s up I’m sleeping, and vice versa. It’s like having a weekend boyfriend. Is it worth bringing it up, or should I call it quits?

—Kari, Brooklyn

If you care about this guy, yes, you should have a conversation with him about this before you dump him. But do some thinking on your own, too. Is this graveyard-shift situation a temporary one, or is it a permanent part of his career path? If it’s forever, you have to decide if dating someone with a schedule opposite to yours is something you can both be realistically satisfied with. And if it’s just for now, is there an end date that you can both look forward to? (Maybe six months from now when he plans on finding another job?) Of course, he shouldn’t leave a job he loves for a relationship that may not go anywhere. People make differing schedules work all the time—partly by focusing on the time they do get to spend together, as well as being comfortable with alone time—but it’s up to you whether the sacrifice required is worth it. If you decide it’s not, let him know before you get any more serious.

I went on a date with a guy, which I thought went really well because we scheduled a second date. The whole week he texted me acting excited, so I was surprised when he canceled, claiming he had family holiday plans that came up, then ignored my offers to reschedule. Should I assume I’ve been ghosted? Why did he act so excited if this was his plan?

—Mariah, Murray Hill

You have been ghosted. As to why he did this, you will never know. Maybe he chickened out. Maybe he went on another date and, like a true swiper, quickly diverted his attention to the next possible partner. Maybe he got fired from his job or lost a close family member. Maybe he turned into a werewolf, now lives in the forest and has thumbs too big to text you about this unexpected turn of events! We will never know, Mariah. My point is, while I know being ghosted can be painful and you have a right to be upset, there’s no point in wasting your time dwelling on it. Move on: This guy isn’t for you.

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Let us sex-plain

Your personal wingwoman, Jillian Anthony, answers all your questions about dating and doing it in New York

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By: Jillian Anthony

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