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Illustration: Carolina Melis

Let Us Sex-plain: My boyfriend still has dating apps

Your personal wingwoman, Jillian Anthony, answers all your questions about dating and doing it in New York

Written by
Jillian Anthony

I get it—being single in the city can be tough, and the ways New Yorkers are having sex these days can be surprising. But whatever your dating conundrum might be, I'm here to help. Consider me (Jillian Anthony, Time Out New York’s Editor) your personal wingwoman, guiding you through dating and doing it in New York in our weekly "Let Us Sex-plain" column. Check out my answers to all your questions online and in the magazine every Wednesday, and submit your own coitus queries below!

My boyfriend and I have been together for eight months. We say we love each other and have met each other’s families, and I feel like we’re pretty serious. He also isn’t afraid of commitment: He regularly makes plans far in advance and clearly considers me an important part of his life. Why, then, has he still not deleted all of his dating apps from his phone? I don’t think he’s actually using them, but it still bothers me that they’re there. Can I ask him to delete them, or does that mean that I don’t trust him? Why else would he still have them, unless he wanted to be able to explore what’s out there?

—Katie, Greenpoint

He has them because he does still want to explore what’s out there. Your letter doesn’t disclose whether you two have openly discussed the fact that he still has dating apps on his phone, but considering you’re questioning their continued presence, I’m assuming you spotted them and haven’t confronted him. Yes, you have every right to ask him to delete them, and if you both are as committed as you think, he should happily agree. If he shows any resistance, it’s a clear indicator that he is not serious about you—or monogamy. (And don’t even let the words I use them to make friends come out of his mouth.) I’d like to stay open-minded for you and believe that he may just have not gotten around to deleting them yet, but there’s little chance in hell. You have a real reason to be worried and suspicious here, so confront him soon, pay attention to how he responds and keep your eyes wide open.

I have a friend with whom I have sex sometimes, and he comes to me when he wants oral. However, he will not give me oral because he says he sucks at it. When we do have sex, he doesn’t touch my breasts or vagina or try to stimulate me at all, then he comes fast and blames it on me for giving great oral. He doesn’t even try to redeem himself. What do I do? I feel used. Help!

—Tiffany, Brooklyn

Hey, Tiffany: In this city of more than 8 million people, many of whom would jump at the chance to make you orgasm, why are you spending a single naked second of your precious time with this person? You clearly don’t enjoy any part of sleeping with him, and he doesn’t care to do anything at all to change that—plus, he’s lying about being awful at sex because he’s a selfish monster with no interest in making you feel good, physically or emotionally. So, don’t have sex with him—ever again. If you feel used, it’s because that’s exactly what’s happening, and you should pay attention to that feeling! Choose to put your own needs and desires first, and run away from this dude today and don’t look back. And by the way, he’s not your friend.

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