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Let Us Sex-plain: My f*ck buddy wants me to say I love him during sex

Your personal wingwoman, Jillian Anthony, answers all your questions about dating and doing it in New York

By Jillian Anthony

I get it—being single in the city can be tough, and the ways New Yorkers are having sex these days can be surprising. But whatever your dating conundrum might be, I'm here to help. Consider me (Jillian Anthony, Time Out New York's Editor) your personal wingwoman, guiding you through dating and doing it in New York in our weekly "Let Us Sex-plain" column. Check out my answers to all your questions online and in the magazine every Wednesday, and submit your own coitus queries below!

In the middle of some really good sex, the guy I’m in a noncommitted relationship with told me to tell him I love him. It weirded me out, and now I’m wondering why he would do that. Is that some Jedi mind trick?

—Ana, Stuyvesant Heights, Brooklyn

Girl, I don’t know. Perhaps he was overwhelmed with oxytocin and blurted this out in the moment, but his request seems confusing at best and manipulative at worst. Maybe he wants the two of you to be more, and this was his half-baked way of saying so. Whatever his reasoning, I don’t think this is a moment you should push aside. It might be awkward, but you need to ask him what he meant before you can both move on.

Me and this guy dated a good amount of time, but eventually we stopped because of our different lifestyles. He knows I’m a virgin (I’m in my midtwenties) and has told me he doesn’t mind being my first but that it’s not going to turn into anything. I know I probably won’t commit to him even if he changes his mind, but I’m considering reaching out to him again to experience sex. People often tell me women develop feelings after sex, but will I be able to get away with it if I know I don’t “love” this person before we have sex?

—Kat, Brooklyn

“Women develop feelings after sex” sounds like a broad stereotype if  I’ve ever heard one! If you’re ready to have sex and you and this person have mutual respect for each other, this sounds like a perfectly fine situation. I’d suggest you go into it with realistic expectations and prepare yourself for the inevitability of the end of this relationship, but otherwise, have fun! I lost my virginity in a similar situation, and I didn’t regret it for a second.

I’ve been with my boyfriend for about six months now. I feel like I’m growing to resent him because he can be very into himself and has a lot going on, whereas I really don’t outside of our relationship. How do I get past this?

—Tara, East Village

It sounds as if you understand you’re experiencing unhealthy jealousy of your partner, so I’ll spare you any lecture. First, remember that this is your boyfriend, and part of  your role is to support his endeavors and uplift him. He should equally support and uplift you, and your aspirations shouldn’t come second to his—but nothing will happen for you if you don’t light a fire under your own ass. If you feel you have nothing going on, get something going! In New York, any creative outlet or hobby you could possibly want to pursue is within reach. Pick a goal, like writing a short story, then work on it alone in your free time, or join a writing group or take a class. Most important, keep your promises to yourself to pursue this project; you’ll be proud of yourself for each step you take. Just because your boyfriend is shining doesn’t mean your light has to dim.

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Let us sex-plain

Sex and dating

Your personal wingwoman, Jillian Anthony, answers all your questions about dating and doing it in New York. Read them all here.


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