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Illustration: Assa Ariyoshi

Let Us Sex-plain: My partner always wants to have sex at 5am

Your personal wingwoman, Jillian Anthony, answers all your questions about dating and doing it in New York

Written by
Jillian Anthony

I get it—being single in the city can be tough, and the ways New Yorkers are having sex these days can be surprising. But whatever your dating conundrum might be, I'm here to help. Consider me (Jillian Anthony, Time Out New York's Editor) your personal wingwoman, guiding you through dating and doing it in New York in our weekly "Let Us Sex-plain" column. Check out my answers to all your questions online and in the magazine every Wednesday, and submit your own coitus queries below!

I have a plentiful sex life. I can usually attract any type. If I want a finance bro, I can get a finance bro. If I want a bear, I can pretty much always get a bear. One thing I’m very drawn to is straight-identifying men and married men, which I’ve also had my fair share of. However, when I hear of a straight-identifying man hooking up with another guy, especially another straight-identifying man, I feel jealous. I haven’t figured out why. Am I simply being selfish? Is it because they seem to be having their cake and eating it too? I don’t really know why.

—Luke, Bed-Stuy

Your confidence is stunning. Good for you! I’m no therapist, but it certainly seems the thrill of the chase is important to you, and that may be why scoring someone you “can’t” have, i.e., a straight or married man, excites you. You could talk to arealtherapist about this, because it doesn’t sound healthy to consistently desire people you know are emotionally unavailable to you. But as far as being jealous of “straight” men hooking up with other dudes, maybe you’re wishing you got to this obviously totally heterosexual dude first? Maybe you find a deviant joy in leading men away from their straight-and-narrow sex lives? Maybe there’s some sort of self-loathing going on, or memories of a closeted, difficult past surfacing? You could probably get to the bottom of these feelings—with a therapist.

My partner wants sex every morning and gets mad when I would rather sleep. He wakes up at 5am! How do I address this issue without offending him? I need to get some well-deserved shut-eye.

—Meg, Brooklyn

Some things, including sex, can be worth losing sleep for. But every single morning?!? Absolutely not. Your partner falsely seems to believe that his schedule is more important than yours. You need to sit down with him for real talk immediately. There’s some compromise to be had here—perhaps you’re willing to wake up for a grind sesh once a week or so—but for him to ask you to completely alter your sleep cycle so he can get it in on his desired timetable is just plain selfish. If he doesn’t get how self-centered he’s acting after you talk, consider what type of person you’re with.

I’ve been talking to someone who doesn’t live in the city for two months. How do I bring up hooking up with other people and wanting to be exclusive?

—Tucker, West Village

Tucker, you just do. Take a power stance (fists held high above your head as if you just won the championship game) in front of the mirror for five minutes, then give this person a call and say, “We’ve been talking for a while now, and I’m really enjoying getting to know you. I’d like us to be exclusive, and I want to know how you’d feel about that.” You will never know until you ask!

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