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Stupid questions Melburnians are tired of being asked
Photo illustration: Mitchell Moore

32 stupid questions Melburnians are sick of being asked

Here's what to say to your well-meaning and/or needling friends from elsewhere (OK, from Sydney. We mean Sydney)

Rose Johnstone
Written by
Rose Johnstone

"Do you ride to school on kangaroos?" may have run its course, but Melburnians are still being hit by exasperatingly dumb questions daily. Keep these ready-made responses up your sleeve the next time you're asked...

1. Do you ever get sick of the rain? 
No, because Melbourne is so full of indoor fun that it hardly matters. Besides, smarty pants, Sydney gets more rainfall on average than Melbourne.

2. Why are we lining up for brunch?
Where else can I get the rosewater compressed watermelon with passionfruit panna cotta and chia seed granola?

3. Do you do anything else other than eat? 
Nope – we’re all unemployed and obese. Pass the Himalayan salt, please.

4. Which are the best shops on Swanston Street? 
Literally any shop that isn’t on Swanston Street is better than a shop that is on Swanston Street.

5. What’s the difference between a latte and a flat white?
A latte has slightly more foam than a flat white. But it’s all about cold brew now, anyway.

6. Should we hit up Chin Chin before the movie on Saturday night?
One does not simply ‘hit up’ Chin Chin on a Saturday night and not expect to wait for two-and-a-half hours.

7. Should I bring a jumper? 
Always. And sunscreen.

8. What’s good to do in Docklands? 
Buying a jar of mayonnaise as big as your head at Costco, and not much else.

9. Do you have to touch off your Myki on the tram? 

10. Is it safe to go to Footscray? 
Not only is it safe, it’s delicious. Hello, Ethiopian delights and multicultural Footscray market!

11. Where can I top up my Myki? 
HAHAHA. Oh wait, you’re serious?

12. Where are the good beaches?
Please tell me you didn’t come here for the beaches. Flinders Lane is that way.

13. How much does it cost to go on the Melbourne Star? 
No one knows, and nor do they need to. Watching it from afar at night is a lot more fun.

14. Do you think they’ll do gluten free?

15. Is that a footballer over there? 
Maybe – there are so many teams here that footballers are everywhere. What’s your team, by the way?

16. My cousin lives in Adelaide – could we drive there this afternoon?
Sure, I’ll just grab my magic carpet and we’ll travel at the speed of light while I serenade you with ‘A Whole New World’.

17. Where’s that hidden bar I’ve read about; the one in a laneway?
Be more specific. Do you mean the one that does tapas on a rooftop, the one with the room dedicated to whisky or the one that serves drinks out of test tubes?

18. Don’t you get scared doing hook turns?
Once I did, but that fear is a distant memory. Just don’t talk to me about speed cameras.

19. Is your cat on the lease? 
Are landlords fun and empathic people?

20. Do you think we’ll be able to get into Revolver this late?
For Revolver, this is early. And I hope you’re not planning on going to work on Monday.

21. Is that a hobo over there pretending to serve drinks?
No, that’s the bar manager. His name is Josh, and he’s a great guy – you met him one time at that house party in Thornbury, remember?

22. Aren’t you going to put some money in the parking meter?
Nope! I’m a rebel without a cause. And I spend $70 a week on coffee.

23. Why did you tell the waiter that it’s my birthday?
Just wait two minutes and you’ll see. Pass the pork dumplings, please.

24. Oh my God, did you see that couple covered in tattoos back there?
No, but I think I see another one about 30 metres down the road.

25. Have we just gone back in time to the ’90s? 
Nope! Welcome to Coburg.

26. Is this a city of goths? 
No, we just like to wear black. And yes, we’re judging your spray tan and your thongs.

27. Where’s the Neighbours street? 
Where’s your self respect? (You'll find it in Vermont if you really want to know).

28. What’s a pot? 
The perfect vessel for a beer when you don’t want a whole pint – or when you want to work your way through all 25 craft beers on tap.

29. Can you swim in the Yarra?
Not if you’re south of Gipps Street in Abbotsford – you might get hit by a boat. Otherwise yes, but at your own risk. She’s a murky mistress.

30. Are there really four seasons in one day?
Sometimes! Melbourne’s geographical position make it prime real estate for thunderstorms, while cool changes can drop the temperature very fast. Always bring a jumper.

31. Are you all coffee snobs?
It’s not that we’re snobs, it’s just that we have so many fantastic cafés that we’re genuinely shocked when we drink anything average.

32. Do you all ride trams to work?
There is more to public transport in Melbourne than just trams. It’s often faster to catch a train, or more direct to take a bus.

Once you've had fun with these, learn how to become even more Melbourne with 26 ways to be a dickhead in our city.

We love tricking out-of-towners: here are 19 lies to tell Melbourne tourists.

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