I get it—being single in the city can be tough, and the ways New Yorkers are having sex these days can be surprising. But whatever your dating conundrum might be, I'm here to help. Consider me (Jillian Anthony, Time Out New York's Editor) your personal wingwoman, guiding you through dating and doing it in New York in our weekly "Let Us Sex-plain" column. Check out my answers to all your questions online and in the magazine every Wednesday, and submit your own coitus queries below!
I’m a gal who’s been in a relationship for a year now, and I crave sex more than my guy. He tends to keep me waiting all night and sometimes will get so tired that he won’t be interested in anything but sleep. We’ve also gotten into this routine of having sex with the lights off. I want to spice things up and explore new things. How do I express this to him without coming off as too much of a freak?
—Mango, Brooklyn
You’re not a freak: You want basic components of a healthy and satisfying sex life. Your man may have a lower sex drive than you or may be less adventurous, but sex is about give-and-take and working to meet in the middle of two spectrums of desire. If you haven’t sat down with him to have a real talk about how you feel, do that immediately, and make sure you focus on your own feelings and desires rather than what you perceive as his shortcomings. Pledge to each other to break up the routine—have sex in the shower or on the couch, anywhere but the bed, and leave every light blazing—but make sure you take in his side of things, too. Hopefully he’ll be open with you about anything that’s holding him back in the bedroom.
Is oral sex a requirement? I hate it, despise it and have never even wanted to receive it. Is there any man who doesn’t want it?
—Janet, Washington Heights
Tell us how you really feel, Janet! You never have to participate in any kind of sex; however, I can’t help but feel sad for both you and your potential partners! I’d give up cheese before I gave up oral sex, and I fucking love cheese. But to each their own! Finding men who completely don’t want head at all may prove quite difficult (but they do exist; friends and strangers on Twitter told me), but consider focusing on finding someone who places less importance on that part of his sex life. This may be something to broach with partners before you get to bed so both of you feel comfortable with the expectations of the situation. And hey, there are some fun sex toys that will simulate great head.
I’m in my mid-thirties, and I haven’t dated anyone in a very long time. I do well when I drink, but otherwise I’m shy and lack confidence. How can I overcome this so I can snatch up some chicas?
—Anthony, Bronx
Try not to say “snatch up some chicas,” first of all. Then start small. Approach at least one stranger (it doesn’t have to be a woman) every day, and start a conversation. The confidence to have casual conversations is something built over time, and you’re certainly not alone in feeling nervous to talk to new people! Also, join a group for something you’re interested in (like a book club, kickball team or metalwork class), and you’ll have a built-in subject to talk about with those you meet. Good luck!
