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10 exciting things coming to New York this year

From a new admission policy at the Met to a new public sculpture, there are some exciting things on the horizon in NYC

We may already be a few months into 2018, but New York still has plenty on its plate before the year ends. Here are some the big changes coming to Gotham over the next nine months that we’re most excited about.

Salt Bae to open a new NYC restaurant where he’ll literally slap you in the face with a steak

When Nusret Gökçe, better known as Salt Bae, opened a steakhouse in New York City earlier this year, he was met with sharp criticism. The restaurant’s less-than-mediocre food and sky-high prices make it feel more like a huckster’s con than the product of a notable chef. During its first month, the sole appeal of the establishment was to see Salt Bae do his infamous salt sprinkling theatrics in person. Now, he’s doubling down with a new restaurant concept in Soho called “Assault Bae.” The concept is similar to his over-the-top midtown location, but instead of a meme-worthy sexaul salt sprinkle, Gökçe will literally slap patrons in the face with a tomahawk steak before throwing it on the grill. It’s sure to be strange, perturbing and somehow sexual. —Clayton Guse


Governors Island to host Fortnite-inspired challenge this summer

One hundred New Yorkers enter. One New Yorker leaves. Creating an IRL version of the viral free video game Fortnite, the picturesque Governors Island is hosting a violent battle royale. Held before the island’s Jazz Age Lawn Party and after the stargazing sleepover, the event will feature a Fortnite-themed photo booth and an actual fight to the death. Start by parachuting off the ferry onto the island, then roam the Hills for loot and find weapons beneath the hammocks. As purple storm clouds roll past the Statue of Liberty, you must fight to be the last one standing. Only a real New Yorker will survive. —Rebecca Fontana


Department of Health to deploy 200 therapists to the subway to help stressed out commuters cope

New Yorkers have been angrily calling on the government to fix the freakin' subways for years now. That has yet to come to fruition, but the Department of Health is responding to Gothamites' many woes and worries in a different way: by sending 200 licensed therapists into the subway system to provide emotional support to straphangers. Therapists will set up small booths—much like Lucy from the Peanuts comics—where commuters can talk to an empathetic ear for a half hour at a time, free of charge. Maybe if we talk about how triggering the subway system is for us, de Blasio and Cuomo might finally take action! —Jillian Anthony


Google is finalizing a purchase of every building in Chelsea, declaring martial law

In March, Google closed on a $2.4 billion deal to purchase the Chelsea Market building, which dramatically expanded the tech giant’s footprint in the neighborhood. But they’re not even close to being done with their west side land grab. News broke on Saturday that the company is finalizing a $1 trillion deal (yes, you read that right) to purchase every single building, sidewalk, street and subway station encompassed by 34th and 14th Streets to the north and south and Sixth Avenue and the Hudson River to the east and west. What’s more, Google is reportedly planning to institute a sort of martial law in Chelsea once the deal closes, requiring all residents and visitors to wear a smartwatch and review at least three businesses every hour on its platform. This plan is and unprecedented violation of civil liberties, but it still won’t stop us from going to Chelsea Market to score some tasty tacos. —CG


Daniel Radcliffe and Emma Watson will star in Harry Potter on Broadway

Everyone’s favorite boy wizard/equine enthusiast is returning to the Broadway stage. After attempts to diversify his stage portfolio with runs in Equus and How to Succeed in Business Without Really Trying merely resulted in Daniel Radcliffe getting pummeled with Chocolate Frogs by confused audience members during the curtain call, the titular star of the Potter movies is bringing back that lighting bolt scar and giving the people what they really want. Emma Watson will star opposite Radcliffe as Hermione in a desperate attempt to obliviate the memory of her singing in Beauty and the Beast. (Rupert Grint is too busy with his ice cream truck to participate.) —RF


Subway system set to have a miraculous recovery after MTA finally identifies sick passenger

After years of investigations and countless studies, the Metropolitan Transit Authority made a startling announcement this afternoon: They’ve identified the sick passenger. Deborah Potts, 48, was spotted coughing into her arm at the Times Square - 42nd St station by an N train conductor yesterday afternoon at 4:03pm. Over the years, Ms. Potts has caused countless delays across multiple train lines. “I guess I didn’t realize I was always holding open the train doors as I coughed,” said Ms. Potts. “Classic Deb!” Immediately following the announcement, the subway’s on-time performance increased by 60 percent throughout the system. —Will Pulos


Cynthia Nixon to announce Sarah Jessica Parker as her running mate

After months of speculation, Cynthia Nixon announced in March that she would be challenging Governor Andrew Cuomo in the democratic primary later this year. She’s since been called an “unqualified lesbian,” and has undergone political attacks from Cuomo’s surrogates. But this week, she's preparing to make a splash by announcing fellow sex and the City star Sarah Jessica Parker as her running mate. “With Miranda, er, Cynthia running for office, I couldn't help but wonder what life would be like upstate,” Parker said in an interview on Saturday. “Cuomo is a complete bozo, and his taste is horrendous.”—CG


Metrograph to open the city’s first dogs-only movie theater

Who doesn’t love dogs? After the success of Wes Anderson’s Isle of Dogs, Manhattan theater Metrograph has decided to open a theater just for dogs. Dog classic movies such as Lassie, Benji, Fox & the Hound, and Marley & Me will be the silver screen staples. Opening date is set to happen in December. And yes, the concession stand will have kibble. —Hannah Streck


Mayor de Blasio unveils 'Fearless Diner' statue to represent all New Yorkers willing TO eat at a restaurant with a C rating

Inspired by the worldwide, heartwarming response to the “Fearless Girl” statue installed across from the Wall Street Bull in 2017, the De Blasio administration has approved plans for another statue dedicated to a group confident in their defiance: New Yorkers who don’t give a shit about restaurant letter grades. The new “Fearless Diner” memorial, which is being commissioned by Yum! Brands via McCann New York, will be placed outside of a Sbarro’s with a C grade in Herald Square. On a plaque at the base of the statue, the multinational restaurant company, which is best known in New York for their combination Pizza Hut and Taco Bell in Union Square, calls on all Gothamites to better diversify the quality of their restaurant choices. —WP


Houston Street will officially be pronounced the same way as the city in Texas

When the Yankees lose the entire city really loses. The Bronx Bombers don’t have to give up their iconic pinstripes, but another important fiber of our culture has been ripped away. Effective immediately, New York City is paying up on a Opening Day bet Mayor Bill de Blasio made with the mayor of Houston, Sylvester Turner, on the outcome of the Yankees/Astros game. The terms of the wager set to cease the diversion in pronunciation of the name “Houston.” Had Aroldis Chapman been able to fan the side, the 2.3 million people of the most-populous city in Texas would have to refer to their homeland as “HOW-sten.” Instead Jose Altuve’s sacrifice bunt has made it so the east-west thoroughfare that separates the Villages from the LES and, obviously, Soho, will henceforth be pronounced “HYOO-stun” in perpetuity. Speech pathologists have been set up outside the Broadway-Lafayette subway station to help locals in their time of need. They can be identified by their ten-gallon hats. —Rocky Rakovic

April Fools’, New York!

Make the most out of NYC this year

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