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The Christmas gifts you’ll never actually give

Written by
Graham Turner

“Merry Christmas, sort your bush out.” This is one phrase you’re unlikely to ever say and any associated present is something you might wish you could gift but never will (unless you’re a horrendous person).

For all the wonderful presents out there – see our gift guide if you’re still scrambling around for last minute presents – there’re are some real stinkers. So if you’re looking to get knocked off Aunt Gladis’ Christmas card list next year, let’s take a look. We’ll consider how tasteful an option each is afterwards, okay? Good.

1. Fur Oil

You know when you shave your nether region thinking it’s a brilliant idea, then two days later, the amount of in-growers and the rash makes it looks like you’ve had an intimate encounter with a rubber mat? Well, no longer. Fur oil is a real product designed to be applied post removal, so those pesky hairs won’t grow back in a non-traumatic way. Emma Watson uses it, apparently. So, wingardium pubiosa!

What to say: “Merry Christmas, use this first.”
Really want to buy it? $420. Nude Waxing Beautique LKF, 14-01 Wellington Place, 2-8 Wellington Street, Central, 2868 9100;

2. Penis enlargement pills 

Sticking with genitalia – the undisputed arena of poor gift-giving choices – comes the self-esteem destroyer in pill form. We don’t really need to explain why this would be a bad gift and if we do, you’re beyond help. Also, they don’t even work and it’s impossible to get a refund. Probably. We wouldn’t know. 

What to say: “Merry Christmas. It’s not your fault, let fake science help.”
Really want to buy it? Check your spam folder.

3. A 2017 calendar

We say it’s the gift that you'll never give, but in an absolute emergency situation, you can hand it over as a joke present, laugh it off and hope that no one notices how much of a pathetic effort you’ve made.
What to say: “Merry Christmas, isn’t this a funny joke, hah ha? [Keep laughing until everyone joins in.]
Really want to buy it? You may have to part with the one you’ve been using throughout the year.

4. Plastic surgery

Unlike the aforementioned pills, various forms of knives and suction devices really can change your surface level anatomy. There’s nothing wrong with getting plastic surgery per se, but gifting it to someone isn’t advised. 
What to say: “Merry Christmas. I can’t stand look at you in your current form”
Really want to buy it? We’re reticent to suggest actual clinics. Just Google it. 

5. A clock

This only really applies if you’re gifting to a Chinese person. The words ‘to give a clock’ sounds similar to sending someone off after they die, so it’s a practice strenuously avoided among locals. Something to keep in mind.
What to say: “Merry Christmas. DEATH.”
Really want to buy it?
Hit up Japan Home Centre for some sweet models.

6. One of your ears

As much as we like van Gogh’s art, we reckon he missed the mark with this one.
What to say: “Merry Christmas, please call an ambulance.”
Really want to buy it? ...

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