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If you lived together, how would that work out?
‘Greg would be the big poppa bear. Joe would be a bitch. “Joe Thomas is a little bitch.” That’s a direct quote for Time Out. He’d get all the bad jobs.’
Who from the cast would you live with?
‘Kimberley’s quite homely, she’d be nice. Very good at dinner. She grew up in a traditional Welsh family of with 15 brothers or something, so she’d be good at dealing with us. Greg would turn into a 1950s misogynist’.
If you were interviewing for a new housemate, what would you need to know?
‘What are your darkest thoughts? How close were you to your mother? Are you a murderer? Basically, a psychological analysis. And I wouldn’t want a vegan. No serial killers and no vegans. I lived with a vegan at university and he used to make the most disgusting vegan curries. God, the smell coming from the toilet… There was a Chernobyl-style evacuation of the house when he went to the loo.’
How would you sell yourself as a housemate?
‘My major advantage is that I will watch anything on TV – it doesn’t matter what. I’m obsessed with “The Big Reunion”. It’s the best show I’ve ever seen – better than “The Sopranos”, although quite similar in terms of storylines and pacing. There was a moment when Spike from 911 twisted his ankle and thought he was going to miss the show, and I nearly cried.’
Any bad habits?
‘Greg and I are both quite hairy. The plughole of a shower is not that pleasant when we’re around. And I’m too generous – sometimes I don’t think about myself enough. It’s all about everyone else for me – I give so much to charity.’
Which areas of London would you fancy living in and want to avoid?
‘I’d like to be cool enough to live in east London. I’m talking old school, Shoreditch – I’d be really scared to live there. I’ve been out with the Primrose Hill set, but it’s a bit old hat now. There needs to be a new set. The Homerton set: we’re all going to wear statement spectacles and ironic espadrilles. I might try and bring back top hats and tails as well. The Bullingdon Club, straight outta Compton. Drive-bys in Volvos.’
‘Fresh Meat’ starts Monday November 4, 10pm, Channel 4. Also available from October 28 on 4OD.