From Eurovision monstrosities to white-boy reggae hits, no song request is too crap for DJ Tomás Ford, whose Crap Music Rave Party national tour hits the Bella Union on Saturday night.
Ahead of his show, we asked Ford to name five of the very worst crimes against music that (surprisingly) never fail to send crowds wild:
1. ‘Just the Two of Us’ - Will Smith
It's Dad-rap! A rap song for Dads! Will Smith is one of the most requested "artists" at these parties, so I can play pretty much any of his tracks and it will pack the floor, but this one is guaranteed to get everyone cringing as they dance. I live for that mix of dancing and suffering.
2. ‘Don’t Cry’ - Human Nature
Australian music represent. Nobody remembers this song until the chorus, at which point any 30-35 year old woman or gay man in the room loses their minds and dances like they’re at their year ten formal.
3. ‘Chain Reaction’ - Steps
I didn't know about this one until someone wrote it on the request sheet with big exclamation marks all around it. They were right to overuse punctuation in that way. This thing is massive! The terrible Latin American drum loop presets! The key changes! The bit where the music drops out and H sings the second verse!
4. ‘Copacabana’ - Barry Manilow
Speaking of tacky Latin drums, Barry Manilow knows how to keep things spicy. At this point in history, it's hard to tell if Barry Manilow was ever unironically popular or if it was always something people put on for a laugh. In any case, this song sets the dancefloor alight.
5. ‘The Key, The Secret’ - Urban Cookie Collective
Put a glowstick in my hand, put those hands in the air and surround me with beautiful people and I might just have a transcendent musical experience that will change me forever. At the end of all that, this song will still be crap though.
Tomorrow night's Crap Music Rave Party is sold out, but you can still buy tickets to see DJ Tomás Ford when he returns to the Bella Union in July and September.