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Nose poking out over a mask
Photograph: Leslie Haworth

Spray 'n' Gripe: The 6 types of Melburnians who are not in this together

Most of us are doing the right thing. And then there are the nose danglers...

Cassidy Knowlton
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Cassidy Knowlton
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The vast majority of Victorians are doing the right thing and helping us get through this crisis as quickly as possible. We are proud of our fellow Melburnians who mask up, wash their hands and stay home unless absolutely necessary. It's been a very hard year for absolutely everyone, and the people who are sacrificing every day to keep us all as safe as possible are our heroes. If you are sticking to the rules, staying home when you can, not looking for loopholes and following both the letter and the spirit of the law, thank you so much. 

But we can't help but notice there are a few among us who, well, are perhaps not in the spirit of the thing. These are the types of Melburnians you see who are not in this together. 

1. Nose danglers It is the law in Victoria to wear a mask or face covering when you leave the house, with a few exceptions. That mask should cover both your mouth and your nose. Yes, it's more comfortable to dangle the nose over the top of your mask like you're Squidward. But leaving your nose exposed means that mask is not protecting you – or crucially, anyone else – from the virus. 

2. Button kickers We get it, you don't want to touch the button at the intersection with your hand, because it could be covered in other people's germs. But that doesn't mean you can then cover it in dirt, dogshit or anything else on the bottom of your shoes. Use your hip, elbow, sleeve or an object you're carrying – or just use your hand and apply hand sanny immediately. 

3. Loophole seekers The Victorian government has been pretty clear about why you are allowed to leave and whom you are allowed to see. If you're in a single bubble, you can't also go see a partner, and you can't choose a different single friend for every day of the week. When considering whether to do something, just think: could you explain it to a contract tracer with an easy conscience? If not, don't do it. 

4. Guilt trippers Sorry, Nan, we're looking at you. Many people who don't live alone or are perfectly capable of getting their own supplies are asking their adult children or grandchildren to come visit. Yes, you want to see your family. Do you know who else wants to see their family? Everyone. You're just going to have to wait. 

5. Mask deniers You know who says masks work? The CDC, WHO, DHHS and every reputable health organisation on Earth. Even if you read on your cousin's Facebook page that they don't, mask up anyway. In this case, it would be far, far better to be safe than sorry.

6. Sneaky employers Some workplaces are designated as "permitted activities" and those employers can give their employees permits so they can travel to and from work. But we've heard employers whose businesses are not permitted asking employees to come in anyway and offering permits. There are fines of $19,826 (for individuals) and $99,132 (for businesses) for fraudulent permits. If your business isn't on the list of permitted activities, best to wait it out another couple weeks. 

This lockdown is hard, and it's hard for everyone. Your needs are not more important than anyone else's, and the less movement and more compliance there is, the sooner we can all get back to our lives. Let's all be in this together. 

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