All the dos and don'ts for life on the high seas...
1 Bring your own booze
When it comes to your regular junk invitation, the first rule of thumb is bring booze, and lots of it (unless the trip comes fully catered, of course). This is essential for an all-day affair. With lots of swimming, diving off the top deck and general tomfoolery, you’ll be getting through the beers quicker than you can say Tsing Tao. More to the point, you’ll be persona non grata if you turn up to nick everyone else’s. Don’t forget the water as well though, hydration is key to avoiding a messy ending.
2 Leave the pets at home
You may have an adorable pet pooch, but the likelihood is that little Toto will be smelt before he is seen. The combination of salt water and furry friends creates an odour about as appealing as stinky tofu. Additionally, a soggy mutt leaping up on to the buffet table or sniffing for scraps will not make you popular.
3 Lotion for the ocean
This is an essential. Panda eyes and red necks are so not in! Slap it on early in the day and don’t forget to top up. Even if it’s overcast you could be left looking like a ripe cherry tomato, and those tan lines are not going to fade anytime soon. So, to avoid embarrassment back at work on Monday morning, go for factor 50.
4 A sound investment
Decent speakers are a must for an all-day party, so crank up the tunes and cut a rug on the top deck. But don’t hog the iPod – Rihanna might be in the charts, but chances are you’ll be chucked over board in Four Five Seconds, if you’re DJ Selfish. Oh, but Lonely Island’s I’m on a Boatis a must, obviously.
5 Less is not always more, boys
Unless of course you’re channelling Daniel Craig circa Casino Royale, and have the six-pack to go with it, Y-fronts or miniature Speedos (or budgie smugglers, as our Aussie friends know them) are a fashion faux pas. We’re not about getting Victorian on those with a little junk in their trunk, but honestly, slip on some boardies and leave a little to the imagination. See it as more protection from the rays if anything.
6 Sharing is caring
Take turns on banana boat rides, wake boards etc. Remember, there are another 30 plus people on your boat. Don’t be that person who sits on it in the middle of the sea and pretends not to know everyone else is waiting for a go. Everyone needs their adrenaline fix. Plus, it gives you a chance to laugh at those being flung off in all directions.
7 All sh*ts, no giggles
This is a sensitive one but following our advice can save you years of embarrassment. When it comes to toilet trips, go early or keep it in if you’ve got to drop a number two. If you’re docked for the day whatever gets flushed down the pan will likely resurface later on. That’s right, floaters, and not the dead body variety, can result in a mass exodus of the South China Sea. Ahem, we’ll leave it at that.
8 Your fellow junks are not the enemy
No waging war on other crafts, you’re not 12 and this is not Pirates of the Caribbean. This applies to sinking lilos, looting liquor or even taking other junks’ guests captive (we’ve seen it done). Exorcise that team rivalry on the beach with a game of touch rugby and share a beer. Everyone’s looking for a fun day out.
9 It’s a marathon not a sprint
Seasickness and a boozy head don’t make for the best combo, so pace yourself. You’ll be dehydrated, probably sunburnt and more than likely not feeling fresh at the end of the day. Especially avoid chugging or doing shots. No one wants to be clearing up your chunder because you went too hard too early, and you’ll never live it down.
10 Pay your way
Missing or holding the boat up is not cool – that jetty at 10am is rammed and herding your team on can be a military operation at the best of times. But the cardinal sin is not showing up and not chipping in either. You must pay your part if you’ve agreed to the day out. Don’t make the host feel awkward by not offering up the change. If you’re flaky and a cheapskate, say adios to future invitations. Hannah Hodson