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[title]As someone who devotes her time to investigating all things sex and dating, it’s unsurprising that Chantelle Otten has some strong feelings about Valentine’s Day.
“I definitely think we need to bring romance back into relationships… so I'm very much into Valentine's Day,” she says. “It's not about commercialization these days. I think it's about romance and self love.”
But the Melbourne sexologist admits that if you’d asked for her opinion on V-Day a few years ago – before she met her long-term partner, tennis champ and disability advocate Dylan Alcott – she probably would’ve given a different answer.
“I think it's like a personal thing, right? Like, when you're an independent young woman who's moved around the world and always looked after herself… that's sometimes a little bit different.”
These days, she’s a firm believer that we should never discount an opportunity to spread the love. And if there’s anyone whose relationship advice we should take, it’s hers.
I definitely think we need to bring romance back into relationships
Otten is a certified psycho-sexologist, sex therapist and educator, who founded the Australian Institute of Sexology and Sexual Medicine in 2018 after gaining her certification in Amsterdam. She’s an award-winning sex scientist, delving into under-researched sex-related topics and health conditions, and has had her work published in the peer-reviewed Journal of Sexual Medicine.
She also has a sizable online following, but you won’t find much in the way of skincare routines or outfit shots on Otten's Instagram page. In fact, there’s not much of her personal life on her social media at all. Instead, she mostly uses her profile as an education platform, making information and advice on sex, relationships and dating easily accessible. From period sex to ethical porn, there’s no topic that is off-limits or taboo. Otten covers anything and everything, with the aim to eradicate the silence and stigma around sexual issues.
This was her sole intent from the inception of her public profile years ago: to spread sex positivity and share her expertise, far and wide.
“First and foremost, it was about creating a safe and secure, non-judgemental space to talk about sexuality,” she says. “Back in the day, (sexual wellness) was very commercial... it wasn’t about the realistic aspects of like, ‘How do you feel?’
“There was a lot of conversation about sexuality for penis owners and for men like, ‘How to please your man,’ and ‘How to have a man’s libido’.”
Otten says she’s witnessed “huge” changes in the public discourse over her years of working in the sex space, with a shift in focus to prioritising pleasure for women and the LGBTQIA+ community, as well as how to navigate difficult conversations around sex.
“(It’s about) how to know that you're deserving of pleasure and fun, and pain-free, shame-free sexuality… that has been huge, that change.”
Now, Otten is a leading Australian voice on all things sex, penning acclaimed book The Sex Ed You Never Had, alongside podcasting and working as the Aussie ambassador for dating app Bumble and sexual wellness company Lovehoney. She’s become somewhat of a celebrity sexpert, but she says the best description of her role is a “sex detective”, which honestly sounds very fun.
First and foremost, it was about creating a safe and secure, non-judgemental space to talk about sexuality
She’s obviously an advocate for the exploration of sexuality, but Otten won’t preach to people on how they should live their sex lives. In her eyes, if you want to discover more then that’s great, but if not, that’s fine too.
“I’m not about telling people what to do, they can make their own choices,” she says. “You can’t change people, people need to want to make that change themselves.”
While talking about sex all day is business as usual for Otten, she understands that for the average person, sex chat can be overwhelming.
“This is my job, I’m in a bubble, I forget sometimes that my normal is not everyone else’s normal.
“I encourage people to be curious, be open-minded… the more you know, the more confident you become.”
You can’t change people, people need to want to make that change themselves
So as someone who has spent years exploring the minutiae of sex and expanding her own knowledge of sexuality, what is Otten herself curious about? As the Australian ambassador for leading sexual wellness brand Lovehoney, she provided input for the company’s 2024 Sex Trends Report, which predicts five sexy themes we’ll see grow in the next year. The list includes relationship sabbaticals, holistic sexual wellbeing, sexuality for older people and even AI personalisation, the latter of which Otten says very much sparks her curiosity.
“AI, technology and sex, I love it, I’m fascinated by it,” she says. “I’m a really big nerd, I will stay up all night researching how AI is going to advance sexuality.
“Intelligent technology, not just online but also in sex toys and on educational platforms, is going to help aid a lot of individuals in relationships.
“Brands like Womanizer, for example. It's been ten years now since they started that technology, and now they've got 3D air pleasure… it's incredible.”
But Otten notes that while technology can propel positive progress, it can also be the root of problems for lovers in the bedroom.
“We are a tech-focussed society and these days we have so many distractions,” she says. “We are used to living this fast-paced lifestyle… sometimes we don't even know how to stop – and that's the thing when it comes to sex. You have to learn how to be mindful in the moment.
“We lose the art of knowing how to be present with someone or with our own body.”
So turn off your phone and get curious. But what other thoughts does Otten have on how we should change our ways towards sex and dating?
Well, she believes we all need some more good old-fashioned romance in our lives.
“We need to create a better dating culture in Australia and we need to build a better romance culture as well,” she says. “People are mixed up. They don't understand what it means to date, or to be a good romantic partner these days. Let's do better, let's put a huge amount of effort into it. Because if we invest in something, if we invest in someone, it's investing in ourselves.
“I’m not saying it has to cost lots of money. I'm saying it's like love letters, it's organising a nice date, it could be a picnic in the park.”
And don’t forget, romancing yourself comes first.
“First and foremost, treat yourself really, really well. And romanticise your life, I really think that's important for everyone in general, but especially on Valentine’s Day,” she says.
If Otten’s candour and curiosity towards intimate relationships was a more common attitude, one would imagine that we’d probably be a happier society. It seems like we need to make open discussions about sex, well, sexier. And if we follow Otten’s lead, hopefully this will be the norm soon.
Photographer: Carmen Zammit
Lead designer: Conor Mitchell
Design: Jack Puglielli
Make-up: Meg McConville
Location: Kindred Cameras
Chantelle Otten is the Australian ambassador for Lovehoney Group. With thanks to Romina Favero PR.