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Meet the Undateables: Michael and Jaime

Each week, we take two New Yorkers who swear they’re totally undateable, and put our matchmaking skills to the test

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TK

Photograph: Ann Sullivan

Why they’re single:
Michael: He once had a true love and lost it, and he’s been chasing its “glittering shadow” ever since.
Jaime: She had two long-term, back-to-back relationships over the course of 12 years and now finds being single a lot more fun.

Ideal date:
Michael: Examining a rare manuscript at the Grolier Club and then getting blintzes at Odessa
Jaime: Something that doesn’t feel like you’re actually on a date

THE DATE

First impression
Michael: “I thought she was very impressive. She picked me out at the bar from behind and snuck up on me. She had a fun, snarky personality and seemed like she had a lot of drive.”
Jaime: “I knew right away that he wasn’t really my type. He reminded me of someone who’s just a really good friend. He was very nice, though he was kind of nerdy.”

Chemistry
Michael: “I don’t really have a type, but alchemy is kind of a dark art, and not all the fires were lit in the athanors. She seemed a little removed and still a little into her ex.”
Jaime: “I don’t think there was romantic chemistry—I think we were on the same page when it came to that. The conversation was pretty generic, but it flowed well.”

Awkward Moment
Michael: “She asked me what Muppet I would fuck, and I said I’d have a three-way with Kermit and Miss Piggy. It was really weird. She seemed really disappointed in my answer.”
Jaime: “I did ask him what Muppet he would fuck, which is a conversation I have with friends. To be honest, his answer was a little generic. It wasn’t really a deep enough cut.”

Afterward
Michael: “We decided to grab another drink in Bed-Stuy and took the subway back together. The rain was just slamming down, though, which put a literal damper on the night.”
Jaime: “He got off at my stop and walked me to my apartment. I ran into my roommate, randomly, so I kind of left abruptly. Then he walked home in the rain without an umbrella.”

Verdict

Michael: ♥ “One heart for the Muppet bullshit. I’m serious. She was acting like I was below her. She was disappointed in my answer, and it permeated the rest of the date.”
Jaime: ♥ “It was a fine night. We had fun, we laughed a lot, but there was no chemistry at all and no exchange of  numbers. But we definitely had some laughs.”

Our daters went to Copinette (891 First Ave, 212-903-4001)

RECOMMENDED: See more Undateables

Want to be set up on a free blind date? Email undateable@timeout.com.

Looking for a cheap date idea?

Desert Island
Photograph: Courtesy Desert Island

Graphic Love Stories

Nerd is the new cool and nothing says nerdtastic like a good comic book. Geeky sweethearts, make your way to Williamsburg's quaint comic book store, Desert IslandDiscover each other's favorites or grab a copy of Smoke Signal, the shop's free weekly anthology.

Sets you back: FREE

Photograph: Jakob N. Layman

Laughs and views

Start out an evening in LIC by sauntering through Gantry Plaza State Park, a waterfront respite that boasts a beautiful midtown-Manhattan backdrop. Next, head to double-tiered comedy venue The Creek and the Cave, which welcomes stand-ups (including occasional surprise bigwigs like Jerry Seinfeld), improv troupes and variety shows every night of the week, often for nada. Prove that you’re not that much of a Costanza by springing for some fish and pork tacos ($4–$6). 

Sets you back: $12–$15

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Pete's Candy Store, live music venue, Williamsburg, Brooklyn

Free gigs and high-end cocktails

Wait until you’ve been out a few times and you’re ready to squeeze in nice and close before hitting the teeny back room of Pete’s Candy Store, which hosts no-cover shows by indie artists and acoustic troubadours every night of the week. Afterward, head around the corner to The Shanty, a naked brick-and-concrete bar attached to the New York Distilling Company that offers some pretty sweet happy hour specials.

Sets you back: $16–$24

Syndicated, dine-in movie theater
Photograph: Courtesy Michael Tulipan
Movie theaters, Independent

Dinner and a movie

icon-location-pin East Williamsburg

This overrated date night comes in handy, especially when the cost is dirt cheap. Unlike other movie theaters, Syndicated let’s you wine and dine while you watch a classic flick. Get this: movie tickets are $7 apiece. And since the movie is so affordable, you can schmooze your date by splurging on some gourmet popcorn from the concession stand.

Sets you back: $7-$25

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Restaurants, American

Hot-and-heavy at Alameda’s happy hour

icon-location-pin Greenpoint

This Greenpoint bar knows how to set the mood with rustic wooden tables and romantic lighting without making you go, y’know, broke. Hell, you and your date can get a buzz and some grub for 11 or 12 bucks! You can’t go wrong with a classic beer and burger deal or something a little fancier like boquerones and Prosecco.

Sets you back: $11–$12

Photograph: Courtesy Caroline Voagen Nels
Bars, Pubs

Get your groove on at midnight

icon-location-pin Park Slope

No matter how tight your budget, you can still get loose on the dance floor at Park Slope's Union Hall. Free dance parties go down most Saturday nights, featuring DJs spinning old-school hip-hop crowd pleasers and heavy-hitters at midnight. Check out the drink specials and definitely split a basket of fries ($6) or an order of deviled eggs ($5)—served until midnight —before you hit the dance floor.

Sets you back: $18

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Four & Twenty Blackbirds
Photograph: Lizz Kuehl

Dessert and mind-blowing nerdery

It’s been scientifically proven that nothing in the known universe is more romantic than pie. At Gowanus go-to Four & Twenty Blackbirds, two slices of shop faves like salted apple caramel or grapefruit custard will run you $11.50. (Arrive early in the evening, as they tend to sell out.) Then, fill your head with, you know, actual scientifically proven knowledge at the Bell House’s monthly Secret Science Club event, where experts lecture on crazy-cool theories for free. Tip: Bring someone geeky to this, lest you seem…like a total geek.

Sets you back: $11.50

Van Cortlandt House Museum
Photograph: Francis Smith

Nature and history in the Bronx

Seeing an outdoorsy guy or gal but don’t have the gas money to drive upstate? Fortunately, there’s ample natural beauty to explore in Van Cortlandt Park. The secluded banks of Van Cortlandt Lake (in the southwest region) are begging for a quiet but passionate make-out session. Post-smooching, stop by the Van Cortlandt House Museum ($5), just west of the lake. Its 1740s stone edifice hosted George Washington twice in the midst of the Revolutionary War, and the current interior features re-creations of furnishings favored by the abode’s namesake, the rich merchant and mayor Jacobus Van Cortlandt.

Sets you back: $10

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A cinematic shrine and plenty of Guinness

Secure film-buff status by bringing your date to the Museum of the Moving Image on a Friday evening (4–8pm), when the admission fee is waived. Make sure to fool around at the permanent collection’s sound-editing, dubbing and stop-motion-animation stations before leaving. Afterward, drink your fill at the charming Irish joint Quays Pub (45-02 30th Ave at 45th St, Astoria, Queens; 718-204-8435) with rounds of Guinness ($5 to $6), poured just as they should be: in two steps, so that a perfect head peeks over the rim.

Sets you back: $22

Experimental theater and suds

Take that cute starving artist to The Chocolate Factory, which hosts cheap ($15 to $20) and free avant-garde theater, dance and performance art. If you opt for a gratis show, treat yourself to libations at the roomy craft-brew haven Alewife Queens and have a deep conversation about the meaning of the work you witnessed. Get more bang for your buck by splitting a growler of the 7.2 percent ABV Beerly Legal Saison, brewed specially for the owners by Captain Lawrence.

Sets you back: $30–$50

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