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The best sexy hotels in London

Seeking somewhere special for a dirty weekend or a night of passion? Here are London’s sexiest hotels

Bermondsey Square Hotel
1/10

Southwark, SE1

Fancy making love beneath the stars, or getting busy with your own ding dong while enjoying a magnificent view of Big Ben? Then the Lucy In The Sky Suite at The Bermondsey Square Hotel is the room to bag. It has its own private eight-person hot tub outside on the terrace, providing a stunning panorama of the capital, taking in the London Eye and the Palace of Westminster. Call ahead, and staff will scatter your duvet with rose petals upon request. Blooming lovely.

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Blakes
2/10

Roland Gardens, London SW7

The Corfu Suite at Blakes was named ‘Sexiest Bedroom In The World’ by Mr & Mrs Smith (the boutique hotel specialists, not Will and his wife, although the room is definitely worthy of gettin’ jiggy with it). Bedecked in white gossamer veils and mother of pearl furnishings, it couldn’t be more ‘honeymoon’ if it was actually a lunar body marinated in Manuka. However, it’s far from being the only spot in this dark, opium-den-decadent hotel that’s likely to inspire fire in your loins. Created in 1978 by designer Anouska Hempel, the place is bounteously full of beautiful bathtubs, and seemingly has a greater number of four-poster beds than Athena had posters in the ‘80s. The mirror-lined one in the Venetian Suite and the opulent red and gold Moulin Rouge-style number in the Cardinal Suite are winning picks.

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Pic: Antonio Cuellar

The Dungeon E4
3/10

Chingford, E4

Catering to S&M fans is The Dungeon E4’s stock-in-trade – and stocks are just one of the items available in their eye-watering range of fetish furniture. There are also cages, suspension devices, kneeling stools, various crosses waiting for willing slaves to be shackled to them, and even giant bondage spider webs so you can turn yourself into a captive human fly. Air-conditioned – to ensure you don’t have to endure punishing heating while suffering a punishing beating – The Dungeon E4 was redecorated in November 2014, so your bum cheeks will be smarting in a smart environment.

The place is run by a friendly chap named Malc, who also heads up regular ‘industrial goth fetish mayhem’ night Club AntiChrist. He can help arrange for a dominatrix to join you for a session should you wish, and his hourly rates are very reasonable, meaning you can get strapped down even if you’re strapped for cash.

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Myhotel Chelsea
4/10

Ixworth Place, SW3

Opened at the end of September 2014, the 210th Suite at My Hotel Chelsea is a new collaboration with luxury erotic toy and body product company 210th. There are a lot of numbers in that sentence, and here’s another: 25. That’s how many little black envelopes await you as a guest, each containing an ‘erotic assignment’. Challenges range from making love in complete silence to drawing each other naked. You’ll also receive a gift package containing a massage oil candle, vibrating cock ring, black ‘smartballs’ (who knew testicles could do algebra?!), a vibrator, a satin blindfold, and more. Get laid in Chelsea.

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One Aldwych
5/10

One Aldwych, WC2

Each of the 105 beautiful rooms at One Aldwych is stocked with fresh fruit and flowers (the hotel has an in-house florist), but it’s the pool that’s the truly seductive aspect here. Surrounded by soft mood lighting, it’s cleaned using a mineral-based system rather than chlorine, so it doesn’t have that distinctly unsexy leisure-centre-verruca-foot-bath smell – and it won’t leave your hair and skin stinking, either. What’s more, there’s an underwater music system, so make like a mermaid and dive beneath the surface, relax while listening to the submerged soundtrack, then emerge, shining and stunningly slick. Subtle yet potent foreplay for waterbabies.

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South Place Hotel
6/10

South Place, EC2M

If you want to please your lover, going south is always a good idea. A stay at this hotel in the heart of the City should ideally start with a Tip Of The Tongue cocktail: a shared glass for two which comes with a pill designed to be split with your partner and slowly dissolved in the mouth, where it magically changes the taste of the drink from sour to sweet. Then, take things to Suite 610, which showcases artworks crafted using paper moths cut from vintage porn magazines.

The room contains a glass bathtub, a huge walk-in shower visible from the bed, and anti-fog mirrors so you can watch yourselves get steamy without steaming ‘em up. You can order handmade Liberty-print knickers to be delivered to your door, or book a sexy escape package known as For Your Eyes Only. This contains everything from sea-salt caramel truffles and champagne to a ‘James Bondage’ erotic hamper (complete with ‘Goldfinger’ vibrator) and a three-course brunch with bottomless Bloody Marys the morning after. Whether you’ll be bottomless too depends on how hard you get spanked.

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Sanctum Soho Hotel
7/10

Warwick St, W1

If ‘Nineteen Eighty-Four’s Room 101 is filled with the worst, most nightmarish things in the world, then Room 404 at Sanctum Soho (also known as the BXG suite) is filled with the most dreamily wicked. Billed as ‘the world’s first luxury S&M chamber’, it’s decorated with an exclusive exhibition of filthy photographs taken by Ray Burmiston, known for snapping slebs including Kate Moss and David Bowie. The room is kitted out with a Bijoux Sanctum Box of Grey: a posher-than-Beckham’s-missus flight case filled with top-flight sex toys, such as a latex bondage bow, Tamzin Lillywhite leather mask and Lelo whip (though it’ll cost you an extra eye-watering £350 to open it).

Alternatively, you can custom-order a box filled with treasures to suit your pleasures, which will be delivered to you by a dedicated concierge. Still not enough to get you wet? Then submerge yourself in the rooftop hot tub, open 24/7 for guests. Sure, this is expensive – but also absolutely exquisite. Sex made deluxe.

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Zetter Townhouse
8/10

St John's Square, EC1

If you want a hotel that’s quirky as well as saucy, Zetter’s the devil you need to know. Originally a Georgian townhouse, everything in it – from the decor to the drinks – is inspired by a 200-year-old imaginary character named Aunt Wilhemina (look out for a Marylebone branch opening in 2015, whose design will be steered by a similarly invented chap called Uncle Seymour). Think velvet banquettes, staff in vintage-style neckerchiefs, and off-the-wall gewgaws hanging on the walls. Book Room 11 – it has a gold bath built into the centre of it – and raid the minibar for curious apothecary cocktails containing cordials, tinctures and infusions, and capital-letter-justifying amounts of GIN. Charismatic, fun and gloriously escapist, this is an ideal setting for theatrical, raunchy role-play. By the end of your stay, the taxidermy won’t be the only thing that’s had a good stuffing.

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Pic: Andreas Von Einsiedel

Hazlitt's & The Rookery
9/10

Frith St, W1

Hazlitt’s (and sister building The Rookery) specialise in liquid bliss, from wine supplied by Berry Brothers & Rudd (who sorted the vino for Kate and Wills’ wedding) to a variety of unconventional – and sensual – ‘period bathing machines’ in various rooms. Try the Duke of Monmouth Suite, where a vast marble bath is filled with water delivered via a life-sized eagle’s beak, or the Teresa Cornelys Suite, where the bathroom is approached by its own little staircase and features an ancient apparatus that fires random jets of H2O at titillating parts of your anatomy. Experiment with how it feels to have Victorian machinery wash your plonker, savour a glass of royal plonk, then have a royally good bonk. Bravo.

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W Hotel
10/10

Wardour Street, W1

Don’t go to the W if you haven’t yet lost your V: this is a hotel primed for extravagant, fantastical, indulgent sexual sessions, not an innocent virginal play date. For the ultimate in frisky futurism, check into one of the three screening suites. Press a button on the bed and a three metre-wide surround sound cinema screen is revealed; then, when the movie begins to play, a motion sensor in the mattress makes it move in time with whatever’s being shown. If wrestling between the sheets doesn’t leave you sufficiently sweaty, there’s always your own private steam room from where you can turn up the temperature.

Alternatively, the Cool Corner and Studio Suite rooms feature peek-a-boo showers with voyeuristic spy-hole slits, while the E Wow Suite boasts a DJ booth, a Jacuzzi and a gargantuan revolving leather Chesterfield sofa – an amazing setting for an adventurous adult party for two. Or more. Finally, the hotel’s 24-hour ‘whatever/whenever’ service promise that they can summon up anything and everything you desire, ‘so long as it’s legal’. We say: it’d be criminal not to.

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London is just jam-packed with deliciously sumptuous, seductive hotels. Whether you’re after a weekend away with your partner or getting a room for a romantic tryst, these places are full of naughty details that make them especially suitable for erotic evenings. Check in, strip off, and put the XXX in LDN.

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