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News / City Life

The 19 things we'd like to get rid of in Melbourne

Demented seagull
Photograph: Roberto Seba/ Photo illustration: Mitchell Moore

No one loves Melbourne more than we do. Really, truly, we actually walk around our streets and say, "hot damn this city is incredible!" 

But there are some things in this incredible city that we do not wholeheartedly love. Things that, were we to KonMari our city, we might decide that there are a few things here that do not spark joy and that we should thank for their service and send on their way. Here are some of the things we'd like to get rid of.

1. Trams that aren’t air-conditioned
2. Trams that aren’t accessible (it’s 2019! All trams should be accessible)
3. In fact, all buildings that aren’t accessible. Put in a ramp.
4. The giant holes all over Melbourne – they're going to vastly improve our train network, but they're inconvenient eyesores until then.
5. Hook turns (seriously, does that spark joy for anyone? Didn’t think so.)
6. The Montague Street Bridge. The sign saying 'Low Clearance: 3m' does not seem to deter trucks from crashing into it on the reg.
7. Seagulls. Pigeons can stay but seagulls are terrifying and aggressive.
8. Food queues. Melbourne has so many wonderful restaurants – just go somewhere else.
9. Snooty hosts at restaurants. We want to spend money in your establishment, we're not trying to rob the joint.
10. “Signature” salted caramel gelato/doughnuts/insert dessert. The flavour happened, let it go.
11. The ugly orange safety barricades along Princes Bridge (the city is actually removing them this year).
12. The northside-southside rivalry. Let it go, guys. 
13. The weird, persistent wet patch at the intersection of Elizabeth and Collins streets.
14. The hill to get up to the “Paris End” of Collins Street.
15. The “Paris End” of Collins Street – don't call it that, guys.
16. The sewer smell on the corner of Elizabeth and Lonsdale. This is very dear to our hearts.
17. D-class trams. They are the least comfortable.
18. The traffic light to turn left from Elizabeth onto Flinders Street. There has to be a better way.
19. Bikes on trains at peak hour – lock it up at the station, or leave earlier. 

But we're not just grumps. Here are 18 moments that make Melburnians smile. And here are 17 genius Melbourne hacks to make your life better.