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26 ways to be a dickhead in Melbourne

Written by
Rose Johnstone

Melbourne, we love you, but let’s not pretend our city isn’t full of dickheads. Meredith Music Festival has banned them, and now, we’re on a mission to stamp out dickhead behaviour whenever we see it. Admittedly, we’ve committed lots of these heinous crimes. But hey, at least we’re trying…

1. Move in next door to a live music venue and complain about the noise.

2. Bring your passport to a music festival, put it in the back pocket of your tiny, tiny denim shorts, then attempt to crowd-surf.

3. Go to a hula hoop class, then brag about it on social media. Ditto with any circus activity.

4. Order a vodka red bull or an eXpresso martini at the Black Pearl/Everleigh/Bar Americano.

5. Push your way onto a train without waiting for people to disembark.

6. Talk about your holiday house in Portsea.

7. Don’t invite us to your holiday house in Portsea.

8. Grow a mo' for Movember but don’t actually raise any money for men's health.

9. Order a piccolo/three-quarter latte.

10. Trash-talk the south side while arguing that North Fitzroy "keeps it real".

11. Smoke rollies in the backyard of a house party whilst wearing an ironic fancy dress costume and listening to Chet Faker/Flume/Banks.

12. Flood our Facebook feeds with pictures of all the KRAZY FUN you had at Golden Plains for weeks after it happened. These should be mostly blurry selfies of you sticking bindis onto your forehead.

13. Give up sugar.

14. Become a tram inspector.

15. Weave flowers into your beard so you can turn your face into a hairy garden.

16. Go to a gig, and watch not with your eyes as nature intended, but through a phone. Alternatively, stand with your arms crossed and don’t, on any circumstances, dance.

17. Ride a bike on the road after dark without lights.

18. Eat 63-degree eggs in a café that's just opened with exposed brick walls and industrial-chic styling in Collingwood whilst discussing the next café to open with exposed brick walls and industrial-chic styling in Collingwood.

19. Refer to the ‘Paris end’ of Collins Street.

20. Have a loud conversation on your mobile on the tram.

21. Trample the small child in front of you and elbow the old lady out of your way so you get to try Gelato Messina’s zany new flavour.

22. Take the Melbourne/Sydney stand-off very, very seriously. Sydney is a one-night stand/Melbourne is for life; Sydney is the blonde/Melbourne is the the brunette, etc. Bring this up often.

23. Complain that a cheap restaurant in Chinatown is too crowded/staff are too brisk/queue is too long while eating delicious dumplings by the plate.

24. Go to great lengths to look hot, stylish and tanned in a yoga class in the middle of winter.

25. Maintain that you only listen to community radio and don’t watch any television because you’re too busy with all your collaborative projects.

26. Take up way too much space with your picnic at Moonlight Cinema and then make out the whole time.

Woah, that felt good. Now we’ve let that out of our system, here are 50 things to do before you die in Melbourne that won’t make you a dickhead.

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