They always split the bill down to the last cent. They never ask for your opinion or enjoy your way of mansplaining. They don’t live on the same MTR line. All legitimate and understandable reasons for giving your better worse half the heave-ho.
Yes, it sucks to be the villain and to have to be the one who ends a relationship, but if you’re already thinking about it then it’s better to just get it over with. But where to do it? Home is not advisable, as having only one exit is not optimal. Plus, there’s no easy way to politely ask them to ‘get the hell out’, heart broken, without the risk of your grief stricken partner unleashing their wrath on your precious shoe collection or SNES Classic.
No, go outside. Go to these places listed below. Good luck.
Six places to break up with someone in Hong Kong
This is prime metaphor territory. Look out to the skyline and point out the peaks and troughs of the many buildings – much like your relationship, there have been ups and downs. We suggest timing it so the sun starts to set just as you finish comparing your love life to the Bank of China Tower (like a knife through the heart). If they’re on board with metaphors, they’ll know what the setting sun means. If, on the other hand, your metaphorical musings go over their head, simply take them to Madame Tussauds. That should do the trick.
On the MTR between Admiralty and Wan Chai
This stretch of the Island Line only takes a couple of minutes. So, if you prepare your self-justification early, you can turn this traumatic occasion into a fun little exercise in brevity. If timed right, you should be able to sprint off the train at the end, leaving your now former partner standing there – either relieved that you were the one to pull the trigger so they didn’t have to, or enraged at your emotional shanking and attempt to weasel out of the relationship without a proper discussion.
Next to a construction site
There’s always construction work going on somewhere in Hong Kong, so why not take advantage of the siutation? Get those dark thoughts of concrete shoes out of your head, silly. This suggestion is more about utilising the noise pollution. People say it’s bad, but that’s not always the case. Not when it drowns out sounds of crying or someone calling you a shit.
They will be consoled that the emotional devastation is not as bad as the food.
The Four Seasons
There’s a lot to be said for being cruel to be kind. If you’re really truly awful it will kill any notion of wanting to get back together, which makes for a cleaner break. With that in mind: get a room at this posh hotel, clean out the mini-bar, spend the night talking about how much you hate their stupid hair, parents and obsessive Wellcome voucher collecting, then sneak out in the morning leaving them to pay and dump them via text. Mission accomplished.
At the Rugby Sevens
Ideal. When they throw beer in your face, people will just think that you’re a pair of hilarious party animals and will start cheering. Join in with the cheering. Never stop.