Time Out Kuala Lumpur city news

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The people of KL

The six species of KL netizens
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The six species of KL netizens

1. The TLDR The TLDR is a rage-fuelled creature with sensitive little paws that’s unable to comprehend beyond the headline. Its activities include raging at Singapore and blaming everybody else (especially the government) for everything. Born with strong hind legs and quick reflexes, the TLDR is also skilled at jumping to conclusions. 2. The Memeoth When the Memeoth is around, things escalate quickly, tables are flipped, and challenges are accepted. Armed with an impressive arsenal of memes (which one does not simply use), the quick-witted Memeoth can be easily spotted by their arrow-pierced knees. They don’t actually add much to the conversation though. Much wow. 3. The Writer Taking delight in showcasing its extensive knowledge, the Writer enjoys pounding out novellas in the comments section, droning on about the history of the issue at hand. While we enjoy learning new things every now and then, we think they should be offered a column instead. 4. The Actifast One of the internet’s modern miracles, the Actifast is the secret to end world poverty. These self-proclaimed princes (apparently mostly from Nigeria) still quite can’t believe they managed to earn RM20,000 a week doing this from home. However, to keep your device safe (and spyware-free), we strongly advise you to refrain from going in search of this species. 5. The Lurker The Lurker paddles quietly in murky waters; it reads comments, doesn’t add anything to the conversation, and very occasionally gives a ‘li

The five types of escalator wildlife in KL
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The five types of escalator wildlife in KL

Illustration: Aster Teoh   1. The Clogger When it comes to an escalator, the Clogger suddenly loses all ability to move and prefers to stand still while the escalator transports it upwards. What makes it a Clogger is the fact that it’s genetically programmed to stand in the centre, impeding the passage of others. This large family includes a subspecies with giant headphones to ignore the queue forming up behind it, the group that travels in packs to clog up the entire escalator, the shopper laden with shopping bags that should have taken the service lift instead, the two friends who just have to continue their conversation side-by-side, and the one that sits on the escalator. Then there’s the pièce de résistance – the individual that just stops as soon as it gets off the escalator. Watch from a safe distance. 2. The Couple There’s something about ascending or descending platforms that makes the Couple want to show their partner some affection. Scientists are currently trying to understand the effects that the escalator has on the reproductive systems of these critters. Perhaps Couples of unequal heights are finally balanced, or standing on a moving platform for 25 seconds doing nothing is too much for them. Make your way to the nearest shopping mall to see this species in action. 3. The Clomper No matter the time of day, the Clomper will always be in a hurry. You will hear them coming from the constant passive aggressive mutterings of ‘excuse me’s, coupled with

The six species you see at the pasar malam in KL
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The six species you see at the pasar malam in KL

Illustration: YYYs       1. The Lemming If you ever need to capture a Lemming, just follow these simple rules. Step one: set up a food stall. Any food will do. Step two: install a queue of ten or more before it. True to its instincts, the Lemming will instantly attach itself to a crowd without knowing what it’s queuing up for. Remember: The longer the queue, the higher your chances. 2. The Enthusiast The Enthusiast is all for celebrating the food culture in Malaysia. Easily bewildered by the array of dishes, the poor Enthusiast usually ends up gathering enough sustenance to feed the entire village. Defining characteristics: large paws and muscular forelegs (to carry their loot). Gets carried away at the kuih stall. 3. The Predator This single-minded Predator is here for one thing only. No amount of neon-hued agar-agar or roti john variation can distract it from its mission. Watch in awe as they sweep in the cacophony, prowl with ease, and emerge, moments later, unscathed, with a single packet of nasi lemak balanced in its jaws before heading home in time for dinner. 4. The Hound One of the most common sights at the pasar malam, the Hound travels in packs, temporarily dispersing to hunt and gather provisions for the team. Without prior notice, the Hounds then reconvene right in the middle of the walkway to nose through and feed on the fruits of their labour, causing temporary pasar malam congestion. Give them a good prod with a satay stick to get them out of the w

The five species of KL walkers
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The five species of KL walkers

1. The Wanderer Ah, the carefree Wanderer ambles along in slow motion, both the young and the old, perpetually stuck in a state of relaxation. It enjoys dawdling wherever it goes, meandering from left to right (and right to left), randomly admiring anything that catches its attention – ‘Look at that wee bird making a nest’; ‘Look! A new nasi lemak stall.’ Good luck trying to overtake them. 2. The Speedwalker This cyborg is one efficient species that’s getting ahead in life. Stalking along at impressive speeds (thanks to its long, long legs), the Speedwalker is perpetually in a rush to get to a meeting (or it just really wants to get home and curl up with the cat). It makes up for lost time by ruthlessly overtaking everyone else, half-running and emitting huffy ‘excuse me’s. Just get out of their way and observe at a safe distance. 3. The Turtle The epitome of evolution is this curious species with a thin sheet of glass and aluminium attached to its front flippers. Heads bowed, the Turtle communicates with its contemporaries (or captures fictional pocket monsters) by swiping frantically away on its phone. Although Turtles spend large amounts of time on the phone, all of them have to come up for air occasionally to refill their lungs. According to scientists, this head-bowing behaviour has made them especially vulnerable to predators.  When it reaches a certain level, the Turtle may evolve into the Ketchum, an incredibly fit specimen that travels great distances to captur

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The six species of bookstore wildlife in KL
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The six species of bookstore wildlife in KL

1. The Famous Five Along with the change of the seasons, The Famous Five shows up when the government issues free book vouchers. Like magic, this species will start appearing by the flocks when signs proclaiming the acceptance of BR1M vouchers mushroom at all major bookstores. The Famous Five then flaunts the stacks of vouchers to buy notebooks and miscellany. Meanwhile, the rest of us eye the vouchers hungrily. 2. Gaston On its first outing to the bookstore since its kindergarten days, Gaston only appears at the bookstore on the hunt for a gift for its bookworm friend, or when it suddenly gets the urge to reread a book it last encountered 20 years ago. It hangs out at the nearest customer service counter, displaying its ignorance and terrorising the staff with helpful descriptions like ‘the cover is green’ or ‘I think it’s about an orange clock’. 3. Mr Penumbra The longsuffering mainstay of every bookstore, the Mr Penumbra only took on the job due to its love of being surrounded by books all day long. It’s always rubbing its hands together in glee at the idea of introducing new reads to you. Identify it through muscular book-bearing forelimbs, elephantine book location memories, creative book-themed nests as well as remarkable patience for ignorant customers. Most Penumbras also harbour a secret desire to work for Flourish and Blotts. 4. Gandalf Also known as the You Shall Not Pass, the Gandalf is a sad by-product of an age where comfortable couches no longer belong i

The eight types of café-goers in KL
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The eight types of café-goers in KL

1. The Triple Shot A close member of the raccoon family, the Triple Shot sports distinctive dark and puffy under eye facial markings, bloodshot eyes and small shaky paws (probably caused by overdosing on caffeine). With deadlines looming, it obsessively stakes plug-point territory with multiple cups of espressos, laptops and stacks of books. Find it at round-the-clock coffee establishments. 2. The Venti A subspecies of the Triple Shot includes the Venti, a freelancing creature that buys one giant cup of coffee and proceeds to hog a table for the rest of the day. Guide them towards the nearest co-working establishments. 3. The Flat White Like mosquitoes, the Flat White usually turns up around sunrise or sunset (for the best lighting). It buzzes around styling gorgeous shots of its café meals; perfectly pulled steamed milk in espresso is a must, as are artistically crumbed slices of cake, croissants and photogenic breakfast platters. Behavioural tics include perching on chairs and rearranging café furniture. Certain subspecies may start taking multiple selfies or potential album cover shots. 4. The Board Gamer Instead of going to actual board game cafés, the Board Gamer prefers to terrorise other café-goers by congregating wherever there are tables large enough to accommodate their games. A group of six to eight players may buy one single cup of coffee, bring their own board games (or card games), and spend the afternoon going on a rampage over ‘Settlers of Catan’ or wha

The seven species of cinema-goers
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The seven species of cinema-goers

1. The Hermione The Hermione has either spent months anticipating the movie or has used a quick hour to read up on it just so it can squawk the plot or toss out bits of distracting trivia at completely unnecessary moments. If you’re allergic to spoilers, we suggest that you sit far away from them. We don’t want to know anything in advance, thank you. 2. The Snorlax The Snorlax is a species whose body automatically enters hibernation mode whenever they’re in the proximity of plush chairs and in a dark room. Desperately in need of a good night’s sleep, the Snorlax heads right into the cinema, lowers itself onto its seat, and then promptly falls asleep (regardless of what’s going on onscreen). Our sympathies if you’re in the general vicinity of one that snores. 3. The White Rabbit Suffering from a chronic case of bad timekeeping, the White Rabbit is usually identified by its hunched form shuffling along cinema seats, uttering mortified apologies for blocking the screen and injuring the paws of fellow cinema-goers. It’s our understanding that they prefer to miss the first half of the movie so as to spend the rest of the time figuring out what’s going on. 4. The Godzilla The Godzilla gets hungry easily. In preparation, they store food for the movie using extra large bags. Spot them by their oversized bags which serve the important purpose of sneaking food into the cinema. We have spotted some munching on whole large pizzas, sushi platters and even chicken rice during the mo

The six species of Valentiners
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The six species of Valentiners

1. The OverachieverRaising the bar during Valentine’s Day (and every other day of the year, really) is the Overachiever, a species noted for its unusual and complex displays of courtship behaviour. From gifts and gestures such as a thousand banknote origami hearts in a mason jar to filling the room with helium balloons and bushes of roses, the Overachiever has tried them all. If your partner used to date one of them, good luck. 2. The PeacockThe Peacock is a fine example of evolution in this age of technology. Making a fine show of this special day on social media, this species makes sure you know everything: pictures of supremely detailed #throwback posts, giant bouquets at the office, constant selfies (and lots of #ootd) at the restaurant, images of bank-breaking presents, and more #couplegoals than you need will fill your feed. Give them the likes they want and hope they’ll strut far away from your life. 3. The UnpreparedUsually found muttering to itself, groaning at random intervals and pacing nervously at the card aisles at Hallmark and MPH, the Unprepared has forgotten that it’s one of the most important celebrations of the year and is now trying to salvage the situation with cheesy cards, stuffed toys and a box of chocolates. 4. The Guy Who Asks All The Girls OutThe Guy Who Asks All The Girls Out fully trusts in the power of maximising his odds. Short of gyrating with a puffed up chest at every available potential mate that passes his way, this species tries everyth

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Food battles

Toilet paper rolls
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Toilet paper rolls

We put our taste butts to the test and come clean about the best toilet paper rolls out there. Royal Gold, RM17.99 PackagingBefitting its fancy status, Royal Gold’s packaging has swirls of pale blue floral patterns and its gold logo emblazoned across the surface. TextureAlthough Royal Gold claims to be ‘softer, stronger’ for silky comfort, this tissue is embossed with floral patterns and dots for more textural interest. User experienceThis ‘luxurious interleaf bathroom tissue’ has moderate perforation, making one-handed tearing an easy process. Cost-effectivenessFeaturing 240 sheets of tissue squares per roll, Royal Gold boasts a slightly higher than average score. Overoll performanceLike an aging aristocrat, Royal Gold has lost some of its sheen. Time to up your act, Royal Gold. Kleenex Ultrasoft, RM17.90 PackagingKleenex’s recognisable logo is scrawled on a deep purple background printed on the plastic. TextureStriking a precarious balance between tough and soft, Kleenex is not the softest of them all. If you like your tissue paper to have more traction, this is it. User experienceWith multiple sheets rolling off with just one tug, Kleenex has excellent spin (making it perfect for certain emergencies). Cost-effectivenessCircumference-wise, Kleenex is one of the largest rolls. However, this three-ply virgin fibre tissue only has 210 sheets per roll. Overoll performanceKleenex stands up well in sticky situations, so it comes in as a close second. Plus, we like

Frozen yoghurt
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Frozen yoghurt

Photo: Hizwan Hamid Moo Cow, RM11.90 Packaging We like Moo Cow’s light blue and green cup with cute farm animals printed on it. We assume this is to show that the cow mascot has friends. Toppings Crushed Oreos were evenly and generously scattered inside the cup. However, since the Oreos were so finely crushed, they didn’t add much textural difference to the froyo. Texture Texture-wise, Moo Cow was pleasingly reminiscent of a soft serve. Note that it melts rather quickly. Flavour Upon repeated tastings, we detected a sour plum-like note in this home-grown frozen yoghurt brand. Verdict Old favourite Moo Cow came in a slightly larger portion. However, the presence of the sour plum taste was a deal breaker.  Photo: Hizwan Hamid llaollao, RM10.90 Packaging llaollao comes in a minimalist white cup with its logo printed in acid green. The futuristic tear-drop shaped spoon is weird but strangely fun to eat with. Toppings We appreciated the big crunchy chunks of Oreo cookies (we even found Oreo cream!). Is it too much to ask if the Oreo toppings could be evenly distributed instead of placed on one side? Texture The frozen yoghurt at llaollao was very smooth and creamy. Also, it was slightly thicker than Moo Cow. Flavour We liked the strong yoghurt flavours and tartness of this Spanish brand. Verdict It’s smooth, it’s tangy. llaollao scoops the win for this battle.   For more cool treats in the city, see our list of the best soft serve ice creams.

Bak kwa
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Bak kwa

Loong Kee, RM31.50/300g Packaging: Keeping things traditional, Loong (which means ‘dragon‘ in Mandarin) Kee lives up to its name with a giant fiery dragon on the packet. We get it. Appearance: For this taste test, we bought the sliced meat bak kwa, but Loong Kee’s bright orange slices have a flattened appearance. Texture: Loong Kee’s thickness was just right, but it was strangely stringy and hard on the teeth. This is one bak kwa aspiring to be a beef jerky. Flavour: Perhaps due to it being compressed, Loong Kee was less oily, which led to it tasting like healthy bak kwa. Not much of a barbecue factor here. Verdict: Not the best, but old favourite Loong Kee is a good bak kwa for beginners. Oloiya, RM35/300g Packaging: Oloiya’s updated simple and bold packaging is bright yellow with its mascot (a buff fowl sporting boxing gloves and a pageant sash) printed on the corner. Appearance: There are two types of bak kwa: the charred brown ones, and the orange ones. Oloiya’s dried meat belongs to the latter group Texture: Texture-wise, we noted that Oloiya is nicely pliable. However, after chewing on the matter, some tasters noted a chalky texture. Flavour: The bak kwa at Oloiya had equal distribution of meat and fat, but there was a sugary note to it. A taster commented that it felt like taking a mouthful of sugar. Verdict: Good on first bite, but the chalky aftertaste of Oloiya’s sliced dried meat got rather off-putting. Wing Heong, RM31.50/300g Packaging: The dried mea

Brie
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Brie

Président, RM16.95 Packaging: The cheese came sealed in a can, which was packed in a yellow box with an illustrated serving suggestion. Good to know. Texture: This wheel of brie was a tad firmer than its counterparts. Rind: There’s a pleasant mild pungency about the rind. Taste: Président had a stronger cheese flavour compared to the rest. Fans of blue cheese voted for this. Verdict: If you’re a fan of stronger cheeses, Président might rock your boat. Castello, RM16.95 Packaging: We like the classy cream-coloured box with gold accents from the House of Castello (since 1893). Texture: Castello retained a good balance of firm rind and creamy centre. Rind: This Danish brie has a smooth, slightly flavourless rind. Taste: With a rather fruity note, this mellow cheese scored highly among tasters. Verdict: We didn’t know we had a thing for Danish cheeses, but we like the balance of flavours. ILE de France, RM16.85 Packaging: Round wood-print box (fancy!) with a story about how French cheese arrived on American shores. Vive la France! Texture: Tasters preferred ILE de France’s velvety soft centre. Rind: Wrapped in a muslin cloth, ILE has a powdery rind that yielded to the knife easily. Taste: Taste-wise, this soft and creamy brie is mainly noted for its one-dimensional saltiness. Verdict: ILE de France gets points for the nice box (bust one out when the in-laws are here), but its taste was just a tad too mild. And the winner is... Castello! In a surprising twist

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Klangers

#14
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#14

'Yoghurt got more culture than you.'

#13: Pokémon Go edition
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#13: Pokémon Go edition

'We have a Rattata infestation.'

#12
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#12

'We have a teh tarik crisis.'

#11
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#11

'Can someone turn off the sun?'

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