David Bowie. Carrie Fisher. Brexit. Trump. 2016 has been savage. And as for Melbourne? Well, it’s been a pretty damn Melbourne year. But what does 2017 hold? In no particular order, here are some totally serious predictions about what we envisage for our great city in the next 12 months.
1. Following the Blue Algae Latte phenomenon, baristas begin serving coffee with water straight from the Yarra. It sells like wildfire.
2. To the dismay of Melbourne tennis fans, Peter Dutton gets the Australian Open shut down after mistaking the gathering crowd for a protest in support of refugees.
3. Instead of monetary fines, Public Transport Victoria issues a far more horrific outcome if you are caught fare evading: forcing you to become a ticket inspector for a day.
4. The entire tourism board of Melbourne takes an extended tropical beach holiday, their jobs made far easier by Sydney’s regrettably locked-out culture and nightlife.
5. An apartment building is demolished in favour of building a live music venue in its place.
7. Jerry Seinfeld gets his lawyers to shut it down for copyright infringement with a cease and desist.
8. The Shanghai Dumpling House is shut down temporarily after one waiter loses his mind after hearing ‘Happy Birthday’ for the one billionth time.
9. In a shock to even the most hardened Melburnian, something of actual cultural value is announced to happen in the Docklands. It’s then quashed when the council moves the funds to build more soulless apartment blocks.
10. Lentil as Anything adopts a new slogan to combat non-paying moochers: "At least throw in a fucking gold coin you cheap hippies".
11. Funky Bunny, the bass-playing busker bunny, gets a real job. Tourists from around the globe sue the city after no longer having the chance to get a selfie with him.
12. Someone opens a LinkedIn-themed bar which is just full of people you’ve never met talking utter shit the whole time and calling it ‘networking’.
13. Following the success of the Teckelrennen Annual Dachshund Race, corporate types try out their own version: ‘Business Dudes In Suits Racing Down Collins Street on Razor Scooters’. Three of them crash.
14. Internet coverage goes down on April 20 and stoners from around the city are outraged they can’t post about how they smoke weed on Facebook. #blazeit
15. For the first time ever, someone will land at Avalon Airport legitimately on purpose.
16. With new user registrations of Melburnians declining, Tinder enlists Shane Warne as their local ambassador to ensure users have an endless list of shirtless dudes next to drugged-up tigers in Bali to swipe left to.
17. In order to save up for that house deposit, brunch-obsessed Melburnians begin farming their own avocados. Unfortunately, they can't smash them properly, and so give up on their home-owning dreams and go back to eating them in cafés.
Need a bit of cheering up after recent events? 2016 wasn't all bad – check out Melbourne's 16 best moments of 2016.
Tyson Wray is a writer, editor and social media type dude from Melbourne who should not be taken seriously at any time. Follow him on Twitter @tysonwray.