2017, hey. We’ve witnessed a year of a Donald Trump presidency, Australia finally voted to legalise same-sex marriage, and we all learnt that we can’t spend any time on letting a thousand blossoms bloom. I haven’t fact-checked yet, but I think that’s all that happened. Anyway! 2018? It’s mere weeks away – and what does it have in store for the postcode of 3000 and beyond? We picked up a second-hand crystal ball from Savers to find out.
1. Channel 7 will reprise Rex Hunt's Fishing Adventure to teach Melburnians how to lure an oBike away from its natural habitat – the Yarra.
2. Melbourne will get a…
*spins The Wheel of Vacuous Venue Ideas*
...Broad City-themed bar! Patrons love the ‘Yass Queen!’ cocktails while remaining completely oblivious to the title’s cultural appropriation. Bottoms up gurlz!
3. After the two-year consecutive shock wins by the Western Bulldogs and Richmond Tigers, the 2018 AFL season will see another unlikely fairytale as the Premiership Cup is somehow taken home by the Socceroos.
4. After a few hiccups at their launch event in the Bahamas, Fyre Festival will attempt to relocate to a “lavish, beach-side utopia a stones-throw away from the Melbourne CBD,” which turns out to be Werribee’s water treatment plant. Artists cancel, amenities are non-existent and punters are furious. Yet, it’s still declared to be a better-run festival than Earthcore.
5. With the renovations to Flinders Street Station complete, the emos who hang out on the steps will level-up to being cybergoths to suit the aesthetic.
6. Rioting and looting will take over Sydney Road when during a hen’s night it’s discovered that the DJ at The Retreat doesn’t own a copy of The Nutbush.
7. Melbourne will get a...
*spins The Wheel of Vacuous Festival Ideas*
...amyl festival! Actually, wait. This one sounds fun. Back off – patent pending.
8. In unprecedented fashion, the intersection of Johnston and Nicholson Streets in Fitzroy will go a single day without having that weird eternal wet patch.
9. In similar unprecedented (actual) fashion, Cherry Bar will have its first-ever male patron who isn’t wearing a counterfeit leather jacket.
10. A Bitcoin-only craft beer establishment will open on Chapel Street. Every night it’s filled with the most grotesque, flat earth-believing dudes. The smoking area is strictly vape-only AKA The Mouth Fedora.
11. The public poll and Something McSomethingface trend will finally die in the bin fire it deserves to rot in alongside the troglodytes who still reference Harambe.
12. The shock return of Stereosonic will see Fitness First memberships rise 500% alongside a scourge of vendors secretly selling steroids at the Queen Victoria Market.
13. Lushsux will finally paint a piece that isn’t utter shit by authentically responding to a zeitgeist instead of just regurgitating pop culture in the most artistically pathetic way possible (also exploiting young girls for shock value is sooooo edgy dude.)
14. Music fanatics around the city will get hammered and listen to the Hottest 100 on a day that isn’t Invasion Day and then realise the change of date makes absolutely no difference to the actual countdown whatsoever.
15. “Robble the cobble”, “trouble the wubbler” and “gobble the wobbygong” will enter the modern-day Australian lexicon. They all roughly translate to getting drunk and making a dick of yourself AKA pulling a Karl Stefanovic.
16. Pill testing at festivals will become legalised and ultimately just prove that the gear in Australia is absolutely shithouse compared to Europe.
17. “Footscray is being gentrified” will become the go-to safe words for the Melbourne BDSM community.
18. Daniel Andrews will pass legislation that allows a court of law to deem you a psychopath if you legitimately enjoy music festivals and are over the age of 23.
19. Metro will just absolutely give up on the application process to find ticket inspectors and instead research Slipknot message boards and offer anyone with 1,000+ posts a job.
Tyson Wray is a writer, editor and social media type dude from Melbourne who should not be taken seriously at any time. Follow him on Twitter @tysonwray.