Every Burger King burger ranked from worst to best

The King’s standard bearer is, regrettfully, the worst on the menu. The meat better resembles roadkill rather than a wholesome beef patty. It’s subsumed in a mess of lettuce, onion, tomatos and pickles spewing out of all sides like an undercooked curry from the night before. Drowning in mayonaise, by the time we unwrap it and pick it up it’s dissolving in our hands.

This second version of the Whopper fares little better than the first. The titular crunch is meant to be provided by a layer of onion rings but they turn out to be a class of spectacular underachievers – soggy and consisting of nothing but fried dough. Despite an excess of runny mayo (a common issue at BK) the patty is somehow dry, though it does at least taste like a burger should. A step in the right direction, but not by much.

The Double Fish ’n’ Crisp is a mirage of golden goodness. The visuals promise a slice of cheese, which is sadly absent. The tartar sauce is of a peculiar yellow-ish tint, lacking the desired tang, and we wonder if that’s where our cheese went. Fortunately, the burger is saved by the fish being fairly moist and suitably flaky, like Burger King might actually have used real piscine creatures in its creation.

A tale of wasted potential. The DMSB looks like a colossus, a dark monolith towering high over the peasants of the Burger King kingdom. Unfortunately, appearances are deceiving. The sauce is a gooey mess with the consistency of rubber gloves that oozes everywhere. There’s also a distinct lack of mushroom – and extra is definitely required to help balance the burger as the fast food flavour is overpowering. The much vaunted Swiss cheese does at least taste distinct compared to BK’s typical insipid offering.

In an attempt to finally make the Whopper a hit, Burger King rolls out the big guns – with extra patty, cheese and bacon. Despite the resources at its disposal, the DWBCB is less than the sum of its parts. True, there’s an adequate balance of sauce, tomatoes, lettuce and pickles, all of which provide a satisfying crunch, but the bacon is lost amidst this medley and the beef is, once again, dry. It’s the best Whopper of the lot but $60 is a steep price.

A simple dish, this is the Burger King equivalent of McDonald’s GCB. It’s not quite up to scratch, though. The Chicken Tendergrill is saltier and the bun is disappointingly fluffy with no real heft. On the plus side, the flame-grilled taste shines through, elevating this above other more average offerings.

Something of a curveball on the King’s menu but a winner all the same. Both the bacon and chicken have a nice, crispy texture here. Plus, the tomatoes and salad balance well and taste good in combination. If we have one criticism, it’s that the spread of the barbecue sauce and salad sauce is distinctly uneven. Each sauce is congregated on its own patch of burger, leading to two distinctly different halves of a burger. The spiciness is also pretty tame, which is a plus or minus depending on your tolerance.

Much like the lifespan of a male orgasm, the pleasure you derive from a bacon double cheeseburger is brief. Gone it is in such quick time. It’s a no-nonsense affair that differentiates itself not by what it contains but what it doesn’t: namely vegetables of any kind. Gone is the pretense that a few shreds of lettuce will somehow nutritionally absolve your gluttony. No. Bacon, beef and barbecue sauce – and the surrounding housing – are the only players here. That’s a very good thing and this is undoubtedly Burger King’s best offering.