0 Love It
Save it

Brian Gittins interviewed by his robot, Charles Petrescu

Reclusive comedian Brian Gittins was once so lonely that he built himself a robot companion and called it Charles Petrescu. The oddball couple still live together, not always in harmony. Here, Charles interviews his master and creator

© Naomi Earl

Charles Petrescu ‘Hello, Brian.’
Brian Gittins ‘Yes, thank you. Hello Charles. Nice to be here.’

Charles ‘It’s been a lovely, hot week. Where would you like to go on holiday, Brian?’
Brian ‘I would like to go to Malta, please. Every year until I die.’

Charles ‘You think about death every day, don’t you, Brian?’
Brian ‘Yes I do. We all have – if we’re lucky – 30 or so summers left on this planet and then it’s all over. For ever. Nothingness. For ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever. So, what annoys me is, why don’t audiences just embrace the moment and enjoy me?’

Charles ‘Can I have a bowl of Coco Pops please?’
Brian ‘Focus.’

Charles ‘How would you like to be buried, Brian?’
Brian ‘Star-shaped. Arms and legs outstretched. Mouth pinned open.’

Charles ‘Who did you last kiss and what did it feel like?’
Brian ‘All of my cousins at a funeral. Felt lovely.’

Charles ‘Can we move away from death please, Brian?’
Brian ‘Right you are.’

Charles ‘How many sausages have you eaten in your life?’
Brian ‘I dread to think – 75 plus.’

Charles ‘Have you ever had any pets and what were their names?’
Brian ‘Stinker. Mr Lupus. Stinker 2. CV5. And Adam Carter.’

Charles ‘Have you ever been nude in a public place?’
Brian ‘I regularly take my penis out at comedy gigs. You know that.’

Charles ‘Tell me a joke.’
Brian ‘Patient: “Doctor Doctor, I keep saying the words ‘wide anus syndrome’ after every sentence… wide anus syndrome.” Doctor: “Oh. Does this happen all the time?” Patient: “No.”’

Charles ‘If there is a heaven, who would you like to meet there?’
Brian ‘Humans shaped liked women. Women, basically. Women.’

Charles ‘What is the strangest creature you can imagine?’
Brian ‘It would have the body of a slug and the head of a slug, but it would be the size of a continent. It would rule the world.’

Charles ‘Do you remember that time you made me laugh so much that my head exploded and you had to send me to Maplin to fix me up?’
Brian ‘I do remember that, yes! Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha! Here we go again!’

Charles ‘When we travel up and down the country can I please sit in the front seat instead of being packed away in a suitcase? I get lonely in there.’
Brian ‘No. I like packing you away. I like seeing your face as I zip the case shut.’

Charles ‘And, finally, what does it feel like to be human?’
Brian ‘Paralysingly embarrassing.’

More comedy interviews

Dawn French

The ‘Vicar of Dibley’ star on her first solo show, kissing cats’ bums and why she didn’t talk to Time Out for years

Read more
By: Ben Williams

Richard Gadd

As ‘Waiting for Gaddot’ heads to London, Richard Gadd speaks to Time Out… nearly

Read more
By: Ben Williams

Dara O Briain

As part of the Time Out takeover, the comedy egghead invited reader Zahid Fayyaz into his ‘Mock the Week’ dressing room for a wide-ranging chat

Read more
By: Time Out London contributors

Sam Simmons

All hail the 2015 Foster's Edinburgh Comedy Award winner! We speak to the Aussie loon

Read more
By: Ben Williams

Marc Maron

We get the grouchy LA stand-up's tips on how to become a podcasting king

Read more
By: Danielle Goldstein


In Scotland he’s a national hero up there with Andy Murray. We speak to the man behind the comedy book of the year

Read more
By: Euan Ferguson

Amy Schumer

The so-hot-right-now US stand-up chats straight-talk, Tilda Swinton and ‘Trainwreck’

Read more
By: Gail Tolley

John Mulaney

This former ‘Saturday Night Live’ writer is one of the best stand-ups currently working the US. Here are six reasons why you shouldn’t miss his London debut

Read more
By: Ben Williams

Robin Ince

The science-loving comic is retiring from comedy (well, at least for a while) and he’s saying goodbye with a big farewell show. He talks to us about calling it quits

Read more
By: Ben Williams

Clive Anderson

The 'Whose Line Is It Anyway?' host talks hecklers, drinking songs and fabricated beefs

Read more
By: Gabriel Tate
Show more
See more comedy interviews