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15 ways to piss off a New Yorker: Kids' edition

Think kids are all puppy dogs and pigtails? Try again. Here are the 15 things that piss off young New Yorkers.

Written by
Oliver Strand

We live in the greatest city in the world: Where else can you check off 101 things to do with kids in NYC, and only begin to scratch the surface? But our metropolis can also be seriously annoying, even if you're young and carefree.

Want to know one of the ways to tell a real New Yorker kid from a fake New Yorker kid? Ask the little tyke how she or he feels about something, then brace yourself for some real talk.

The little cynics make some good points. Read on to find out what's annoying little urbanites about the best kids' playgrounds NYC has to offer, or the best holiday markets in NYC for kids and families. (Spoiler alert: Adults are usually to blame.)

1. Grownups and their phones. I’m sure it’s a super important email or text or post, just like the 70 million others you get all day, but I’m about to go down Slide Hill on Governor’s Island, and I need my audience. 

2. Going on a school trip to the Museum of Natural History and being told by the chaperones not to act up. Who are you kidding? This is one of the best children's museums in NYC, we took a school bus (or the subway, whatever) to get here, I’m with all of my friends—and I’m a child with limited impulse control. I’ve got a lot of sillies in me, and they’re about to come out.

3. Schools with no scooter parking. Life must be sweet when you have full-length legs and walking a block feels like nothing, but I use my scooter to keep up, and I need a place where I can safely lock it during the day.

4. Snowy days that should totally be snow days but aren't because the DOE seems to want us to go to school and, like, learn.

5. Leaving the Garden in the third period because it’s late and I have to get home for bedtime. I know the Knicks aren’t going to win, but I came here to see the whole game—every last disappointing minute. 

6. Grownups on the subway with backpacks. Your lower back is the same level as my face, and every time you turn you seriously bash my nose. How would you like it if I swung my bag so that it hits you in the nose–and I keep my headphones on so I can pretend not to notice?

7. When we go to a holiday market and we have to stay close to our parents because of the crowds, but we can’t see anything because of the crowds.

8. Grownups who use the kid-sized sinks in the bathroom. Go ahead, take your time—none of the others are being used, but I’ll just wait until you’re done with the only one that accommodates me. 

9. Finding the same kid’s menu everywhere you go. No disrespect to buttered pasta and chicken fingers, but a little child-friendly variety would be nice. Take some inspiration from the 50 best family restaurants.

10. Parents who drive in the city. It totally stresses you out, and when you’re shouting at traffic through the windshield you’re modeling aggressive behavior that I’m going to have to process later in life. Besides, I’m so much more happy bouncing around in a subway or in the back of the bus. You do know that the NYC Ferry goes to the Rockaways? It’s so much cooler to take a boat to the beach.

11. When the ice cream truck is parked outside school on a hot day and my friends get all the ice cream they want but I’m not allowed to order anything.

12. The public pool schedule is too short. NYC kids love to swim, and NYC heats up early in the year. Instead of July 4 to Labor Day, how about opening on Memorial Day weekend?

13. When grownups on the subway don’t give up their seats for toddlers. We’ve been using our legs for about two years, and we still have no idea how to work the poles. We’re tired, and we need a little break.

14. When grownups clear the toys we’re using to block the drain in the water play area in the park in the summer. Excuse you, but we’re trying to flood the playground.

15. Being told to “keep it down.” This is New York City—everybody is loud, especially grownups.

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