Won’t cross the river under any circumstances? Sick of seeing Fjallraven Kanken bags on every second person? Sorry, but you might be a Melbourne snob.
1. You refuse to eat anywhere that doesn’t feature blonde timber, copper fixings and tropical plants
2. You invite your less in-the-know friend to the Black Pearl/Eau De Vie/The Everleigh so you can make a scene of greeting all the bartenders by name
3. You don’t understand why locked-out Sydneysiders don’t just move to Melbourne
4. You refuse to go to any cinema that isn’t the Astor, Nova or Westgarth
5. You fondly refer to the time that you saw Tame Impala at Meredith in 2008. “Oh, you’ve only been going there since 2013?” you say, with a wry smile
6. You roll your eyes when you hear that cities like Perth are only now just getting Lord of the Fries
7. You cancel your Uber so you don’t have to be seen arriving at Glamorama in a bright red Honda Civic
8. You’ve been looking for a new rental for ages, but you’re refusing to look anywhere outside of Carlton/Fitzroy/Collingwood
9. You talk about the good old days when you used to serve coffee and make small talk with “Nick” (AKA Chet Faker).
10. You would never, ever let anyone see your top-played songs on Spotify. No one needs to know how many times you’ve listened to ‘Hello’ by Adele.
11. You confidently sport a bucket hat to brunch. They’re back, didn’t you hear?
12. You refuse to drink coffee from anywhere that does more than two sizes of takeaway or offers a range of syrups
13. You invite your friends to members-only club Hugs and Kisses but then shake your head when they reveal that they’re not members
14. You enjoy pointing out individuals on the street who are clearly from Sydney – their colourful clothes and balayage hair are dead giveaways
15. You literally cannot believe it when you get into a friend’s car and their radio is tuned to any station aside from Triple R or PBS 106.7
16. You’ve actually said the phrase “which of these wines are natural"?
17. You’ve been to Berlin, and refer to Melbourne as the Berlin of Australia. You talk about Berlin a lot